1.
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
2.
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
3.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
4.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
5.
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
6.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
7.
A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.
“Wow,” comments the midget.
“Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says,
“OK, hand me your wallet, I’ll jump off the ladder.
3 men are sitting on a park bench
Rubbing a toilet paper
A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.
“Wow,” comments the midget.
“Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says,
“OK, hand me your wallet, I’ll jump off the ladder.
3 men are sitting on a park bench
Rubbing a toilet paper
8.
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
9.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
10.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
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11.
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
12.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
13.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
14.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
15.
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
16.
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? paused for a few seconds How the heck do I know?
What am I, the weather man?” and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know.
Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.”
A husband and wife decide
A couple is on their honeymoon
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? paused for a few seconds How the heck do I know?
What am I, the weather man?” and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know.
Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.”
A husband and wife decide
A couple is on their honeymoon
17.
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
18.
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
19.
A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her bum and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said.
A old couple finally decide
This Asian lady married to an English man
A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her bum and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said.
A old couple finally decide
This Asian lady married to an English man
20.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
His boss asked what happened
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
His boss asked what happened
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21.
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
22.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
23.
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
24.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
25.
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
26.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
27.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
28.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man was talking to a group
The woman was discussing with her maid
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man was talking to a group
The woman was discussing with her maid
29.
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
30.
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman