1.
The phone rings at the local police station.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house.
Th
The phone rings at the local police station.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house.
Th
2.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
3.
… but his Father explained that with the boys' Mother just losing her job, and their £80,000 mortgage, there was no way that such a gift could be afforded.The next day, the man saw his son packing his suitcase, and said,‘C'mon, Son, it's not that bad, we'
… but his Father explained that with the boys' Mother just losing her job, and their £80,000 mortgage, there was no way that such a gift could be afforded.The next day, the man saw his son packing his suitcase, and said,‘C'mon, Son, it's not that bad, we'
4.
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”“Here is the problem, I bought myself a ne
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”“Here is the problem, I bought myself a ne
5.
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
6.
GIRL: I have done a great sinI called my boyfriend a BAST.RDPSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?GIRL: Well, he kissed me.PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?GIRL: .Yes!PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no
GIRL: I have done a great sinI called my boyfriend a BAST.RDPSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?GIRL: Well, he kissed me.PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?GIRL: .Yes!PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no
7.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in RomeThe Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.“It's my direct line to the Lord!”The Rabbi is skeptical
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in RomeThe Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.“It's my direct line to the Lord!”The Rabbi is skeptical
8.
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
9.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.How bad is it? the doctor asks.I have no idea, the husband says.Well, please test herStand 20 feet away from her and say something.If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thin
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.How bad is it? the doctor asks.I have no idea, the husband says.Well, please test herStand 20 feet away from her and say something.If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thin
10.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
11.
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
12.
There was an old man who was admitted in a hospital.A young man would visit him every day, and sit with him for more than one hourHe would help him eat his food, and take his shower.He would then take him walking in the garden of the hospital.After that h
There was an old man who was admitted in a hospital.A young man would visit him every day, and sit with him for more than one hourHe would help him eat his food, and take his shower.He would then take him walking in the garden of the hospital.After that h
13.
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
14.
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk
15.
Married or not you should read this…When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell youShe sat down and ate quietlyAgain I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouthB
Married or not you should read this…When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell youShe sat down and ate quietlyAgain I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouthB
16.
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
17.
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000.
from non-payers, ho
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000.
from non-payers, ho
18.
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a Texas game wardenThe game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”“
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a Texas game wardenThe game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”“
19.
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
20.
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'His Grandpa wa
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'His Grandpa wa
21.
Two factory workers are talking.The woman said, “I know how to get some time off from work!”“How?” asked the man.“Watch this,” said the woman.She climbed up to the rafter and hanged upside down.The boss walked in, saw her and said, “What on earth are you
Two factory workers are talking.The woman said, “I know how to get some time off from work!”“How?” asked the man.“Watch this,” said the woman.She climbed up to the rafter and hanged upside down.The boss walked in, saw her and said, “What on earth are you
22.
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
23.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
24.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However he was delayed, so the Priest
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However he was delayed, so the Priest
25.
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.Theirs will be first on the schedule.The older boy leans over and asks, “What are you having done?”The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.”The first boy says, “
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.Theirs will be first on the schedule.The older boy leans over and asks, “What are you having done?”The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.”The first boy says, “
26.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form h
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form h
27.
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
28.
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
29.
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:This is something that happened in an Aged Care CentreThe people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.One morning, one of the residents didn't show up
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:This is something that happened in an Aged Care CentreThe people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.One morning, one of the residents didn't show up
30.
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like
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