1.
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you’ve never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits,
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you’ve never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits,
2.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with,“Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with,“Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand
3.
After 37 years of marriage Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.He gave Edith his now ex-wife ju
After 37 years of marriage Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.He gave Edith his now ex-wife ju
4.
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.“For example.” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold w
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.“For example.” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold w
5.
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
6.
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
7.
Magic WordsAs a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scr
Magic WordsAs a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scr
8.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
9.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
10.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
11.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother arching an eyebrow.
They knew what a new F150
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother arching an eyebrow.
They knew what a new F150
12.
A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions.
Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.
They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.
But since both of them are men of God, they began to t
A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions.
Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.
They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.
But since both of them are men of God, they began to t
13.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you're dragging”.“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady “I
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you're dragging”.“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady “I
14.
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.“My grandfather lived to be 96.”“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”“Liquor and women.”“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”“Well actually, n
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.“My grandfather lived to be 96.”“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”“Liquor and women.”“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”“Well actually, n
15.
At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth.
The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors.
“You’ve made it to the end my frie
At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth.
The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors.
“You’ve made it to the end my frie
16.
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book'.The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.Ten minutes later, the
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book'.The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.Ten minutes later, the
17.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
18.
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
19.
Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.“Abe,” she says, with tears in her eye
Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.“Abe,” she says, with tears in her eye
20.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she sa
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she sa
21.
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'His Grandpa wa
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'His Grandpa wa
22.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form h
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form h
23.
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.
“Nope,” replied Jimmy.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.
“Nope,” replied Jimmy.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
24.
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he’s moving his train around, he stops the train and says “This stop is Los Angeles.
If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hel
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he’s moving his train around, he stops the train and says “This stop is Los Angeles.
If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hel
25.
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, “
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, “
26.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:“Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.I know you're about my ageHow do you feel?”Slim says, “I feel just
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:“Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.I know you're about my ageHow do you feel?”Slim says, “I feel just
27.
A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived…
The children came out fine and the doctor had told theit mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years.
The children lived a happy life with their parents
A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived…
The children came out fine and the doctor had told theit mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years.
The children lived a happy life with their parents
28.
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent
29.
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
30.
I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age he says to the doc. There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing, explains the doctor simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, m
I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age he says to the doc. There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing, explains the doctor simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, m
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