Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children Funny Jokes 03

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Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children, then Ted died of Heart Disease:Judy married again and she and Bob had 7 more children.Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later:Again Judy remarried and this time she and John had 5 more childrenJudy fin

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When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,so she goes to the newspaper and says;“I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”The old woman

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired

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A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak EnglishSo he takes the chief for a wa

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… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.  Now I can eat something and i

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The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th

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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I've never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've

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A call girl standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says,“Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won't be able to…”C

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigateHe then dug a hole and burie

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The subway car was packed.
It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said,
“Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know w

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“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of peopleThe father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”And they did.“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times w

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She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the

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A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being

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One evening a teenage daughter and her mother were out shopping when they stopped to make a purchase.
The young girl greeted the cashier with only a “Hi,” then proceeded to dig nervously in her wallet.
She was having obvious trouble counting out the

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“‌‌I can'‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.“There'‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing,‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor

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Two beggars in London Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London …
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-

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Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy:
“You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house n

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While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.One of the hillbillies looks at her

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Father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it is my duty to provide you with the best education possible, and you do not owe me anything for providing that.However, I want you to appreciate itAs a token, I want each of you to put

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me?I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know

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There was a business executive who was deep in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.<

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Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.Obstetricians felt certain everyone was lab

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A young wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband's lack of s.x drive ever since his motorcycle accident 12 months ago.“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.“Not a chance,” the young lady replie

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A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mil

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speakerphone on and begins to talk.Everyone else in the room stops talking:MAN: “Hello?”WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it's meAre you at the club?”MAN: “Yes.”

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Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag down the line.Everyone stood up and yelled, “Run, run!”Then a second guy came up to the plate, whacked the ball and started down toward th

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So he does this for her Birthday, much to her dismaySince her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.“I'd like to be six again”, She replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, m

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at th

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Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
Sam said, ‘Wow I have never seen you play this well before!’ ‘I took lessons.’ Says Rachel.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour