1.
“It ain't my fault this time, Miss RussellYou can blame this ‘un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger wh
“It ain't my fault this time, Miss RussellYou can blame this ‘un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger wh
2.
“I don't know why, but I'm afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.“That's crazy, there's nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.The girl insists, so he starts to search the roomHe looks in
“I don't know why, but I'm afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.“That's crazy, there's nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.The girl insists, so he starts to search the roomHe looks in
3.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
4.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
5.
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
6.
A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, “What'll you have?”The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That'll be five dollars.”“What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this,” the ma
A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, “What'll you have?”The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That'll be five dollars.”“What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this,” the ma
7.
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
8.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
9.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview themOn the appointed day, the inspector turned
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview themOn the appointed day, the inspector turned
10.
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier:Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedul
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier:Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedul
11.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbweight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round he
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbweight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round he
12.
Paddy's friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broke.'Operator: ‘What's your location sir?'Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …'O
Paddy's friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broke.'Operator: ‘What's your location sir?'Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …'O
13.
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.”“Well, I do have a
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.”“Well, I do have a
14.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its topA blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don't have a ladder.”The woman took a wrench from her purse
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its topA blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don't have a ladder.”The woman took a wrench from her purse
15.
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
16.
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.Theirs will be first on the schedule.The older boy leans over and asks, “What are you having done?”The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.”The first boy says, “
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.Theirs will be first on the schedule.The older boy leans over and asks, “What are you having done?”The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.”The first boy says, “
17.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at co
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at co
18.
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
19.
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: “You say in this ad that you have a voonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95I vant to go on this voonderful luxury cruise.”The guy b
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: “You say in this ad that you have a voonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95I vant to go on this voonderful luxury cruise.”The guy b
20.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
21.
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.
Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.
No! – exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear.
The boy qui
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.
Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.
No! – exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear.
The boy qui
22.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
23.
Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
24.
67 Year Old Lady Gets Visited By A Jehova's WitnessAn older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a
67 Year Old Lady Gets Visited By A Jehova's WitnessAn older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a
25.
A woman runs into a doctor's office and says,“Doctor! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”The doctor replies, “Show me.”So the woman pokes her ankle and screams in pain.She pokes her knee and yells again.She pokes her forehead and
A woman runs into a doctor's office and says,“Doctor! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”The doctor replies, “Show me.”So the woman pokes her ankle and screams in pain.She pokes her knee and yells again.She pokes her forehead and
26.
As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”His family members are all ears, urging him to go on.“When I was young, I had it all,” explains Ed“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money.
As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”His family members are all ears, urging him to go on.“When I was young, I had it all,” explains Ed“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money.
27.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.Well, one Sunday we hit
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.Well, one Sunday we hit
28.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled with his wife.He shouted at her till she could not bear it and fled to her neighbour's houseThe Hodja followed her there.The neighbours managed to placate the angry husband and served the couple tea and sweetmeats.When t
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled with his wife.He shouted at her till she could not bear it and fled to her neighbour's houseThe Hodja followed her there.The neighbours managed to placate the angry husband and served the couple tea and sweetmeats.When t
29.
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
30.
A man and his wife check into a hotelThe husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the wind
A man and his wife check into a hotelThe husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the wind
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eng jokes