1.
* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooksThe other half will come out with a drinking problem.* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of FortuneNow I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.* I need to practice social-
* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooksThe other half will come out with a drinking problem.* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of FortuneNow I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.* I need to practice social-
2.
A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of LouisianaShe really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.After becoming very frustrated with the loca
A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of LouisianaShe really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.After becoming very frustrated with the loca
3.
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
4.
James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn't being satisfied by ole crusty.He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offended so this just reinforced that she was needing something more.One night he drop
James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn't being satisfied by ole crusty.He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offended so this just reinforced that she was needing something more.One night he drop
5.
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
6.
Reaching the end of a job interview the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,“And what starting salary are you looking for?”The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending
Reaching the end of a job interview the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,“And what starting salary are you looking for?”The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending
7.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocio
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocio
8.
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
9.
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,” said the officer.
“I decided
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,” said the officer.
“I decided
10.
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithf
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithf
11.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
12.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
13.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”The frog said, “That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her bi
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”The frog said, “That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her bi
14.
Two old women are walking down the street smoking, when it begins to rain.The first woman takes out a condom from her handbag, cuts off the tip and puts it over her cigarette.The second woman asked her what it was and the first woman said, “It's a condomY
Two old women are walking down the street smoking, when it begins to rain.The first woman takes out a condom from her handbag, cuts off the tip and puts it over her cigarette.The second woman asked her what it was and the first woman said, “It's a condomY
15.
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
16.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girlsI told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for homeJust as I got in the doo
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girlsI told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for homeJust as I got in the doo
17.
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious y
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious y
18.
The bartender says, “Let me see and I'll consider it.”So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays C
The bartender says, “Let me see and I'll consider it.”So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays C
19.
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door… A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door… A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
20.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a politician happened to appear.
The politician took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind te
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a politician happened to appear.
The politician took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind te
21.
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
22.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.”The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.”The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
23.
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you’ve never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits,
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you’ve never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits,
24.
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
25.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, stru
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, stru
26.
Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there's 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”The dispatcher r
Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there's 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”The dispatcher r
27.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
28.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower g
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower g
29.
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
30.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks,
“Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says,
“Where have you been?
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks,
“Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says,
“Where have you been?
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