A blonde heard that baths in milk Funny Jokes 06

1.



A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautifulShe left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistakeHe thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to cla

2.



A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha

3.



A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, “I've be

4.



While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo

5.



Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?” The other one replied, “No, people will

6.



A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home.
The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
‘Don’t move! You’re a statue!’
The husband comes up to the

7.



This story is a hilarious example of just that.An Alabaman went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem.  He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him, “So, can you tell me the reason why you're drinking?”The patien

8.



A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu

9.



A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the enti

10.



The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.The t

11.



To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”The first guy answers, “That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”Th

12.



A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided

13.



1Johnny's mother had three children.  The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.  What was the third child's name?2There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.  What does he we

14.



and decides to get rid of it once and for allHe drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there.The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house.The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same

15.



A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re

16.



The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th

17.



I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it – he was a dwarf!

18.



… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.  Now I can eat something and i

19.



A farmer had five female pigsTimes were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigsAfter talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers

20.



A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on

21.



Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose.As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, “I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you upBut remember – only one moose, please.”When he return

22.



There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind.She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.Son 1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur inc

23.



One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have

24.



Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s

25.



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:My son

26.



One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and sh

27.



Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us

28.



The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.Well, one Sunday we hit

29.



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get o

30.



During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, “What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?”“Well…” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and