1.
Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him:
“Son, where is your father?”
Son: “I don’t know, he went out with the mixer.”
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him:
“Son, where is your father?”
Son: “I don’t know, he went out with the mixer.”
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
2.
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
3.
A woman was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband”s car pull into the driveway.
Woman: “OMG – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window”.
Lover: It”s raining out there!” Woman: “If my husband catches us, he”ll kill us!”
The lover jumps out of the window.
As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town”s marathon.
He started running along with the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run like this?” one asked”.
“Oh yes!” he replied. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner: “Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes” Lover answered.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!”
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
“Do you always wear a c**d*m when you run?” “Nope..just when it’s raining.”
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Three married men are sitting in a pool club
A woman was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband”s car pull into the driveway.
Woman: “OMG – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window”.
Lover: It”s raining out there!” Woman: “If my husband catches us, he”ll kill us!”
The lover jumps out of the window.
As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town”s marathon.
He started running along with the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run like this?” one asked”.
“Oh yes!” he replied. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner: “Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes” Lover answered.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!”
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
“Do you always wear a c**d*m when you run?” “Nope..just when it’s raining.”
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Three married men are sitting in a pool club
4.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
5.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
6.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
7.
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
8.
One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane.
When he jumped there was good and bad news.
Good news: He had a parachute.
Bad News: It didn’t work.
Good News: There was a haystack down below.
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde heard that baths in milk
One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane.
When he jumped there was good and bad news.
Good news: He had a parachute.
Bad News: It didn’t work.
Good News: There was a haystack down below.
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde heard that baths in milk
9.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
10.
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
11.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
12.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
13.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
14.
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
15.
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
16.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
17.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
18.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
19.
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
20.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
21.
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
22.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
23.
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
24.
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
25.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
26.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja looked into his well and saw there the reflection of the full moon.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed.
“The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!”
He ran into his house and returned with a hook attached to a rope.
He then threw the hook into the water and commenced to pull it up again, but it became stuck on the side of the well.
Frantically the Hodja tugged and pulled with all his might.
The hook suddenly came loose, and the Hodja fell over backwards, landing flat on his back.
Scarcely able to move, he looked up into the sky and saw the full moon above him.
“I may have injured myself in doing so,” he said with satisfaction, “but at least I got the moon back into the sky where it belongs.”
A local priest
An Arab Sheik
One night the Nasreddin Hodja looked into his well and saw there the reflection of the full moon.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed.
“The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!”
He ran into his house and returned with a hook attached to a rope.
He then threw the hook into the water and commenced to pull it up again, but it became stuck on the side of the well.
Frantically the Hodja tugged and pulled with all his might.
The hook suddenly came loose, and the Hodja fell over backwards, landing flat on his back.
Scarcely able to move, he looked up into the sky and saw the full moon above him.
“I may have injured myself in doing so,” he said with satisfaction, “but at least I got the moon back into the sky where it belongs.”
A local priest
An Arab Sheik
27.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
A married man was having an affair
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
A married man was having an affair
28.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
29.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.
Each one of us is same.
Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
Two guys are walking through
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.
Each one of us is same.
Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
Two guys are walking through
30.
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
Tags:
eng jokes