1.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
2.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
3.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Mrs Santa was in bed
A young man came from the parking
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Mrs Santa was in bed
A young man came from the parking
4.
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
5.
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
6.
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
7.
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
8.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
9.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
10.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
11.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
12.
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
13.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
14.
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked: “How do fish breath underwater?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked,
“How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time
“Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not son.” replied his dad,
“How else are you ever going to learn anything?”
She had stayed by his bedside
He went to the pet shop
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked: “How do fish breath underwater?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked,
“How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time
“Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not son.” replied his dad,
“How else are you ever going to learn anything?”
She had stayed by his bedside
He went to the pet shop
15.
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
16.
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
17.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
18.
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
19.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
20.
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
21.
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
22.
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
23.
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
24.
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage conference,
Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare
“It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse.
MEN. Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, lovingly patted Ann’s knee and whispered “Gold Medal- All- Purpose isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.
Clever Guest & Super Computer
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage conference,
Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare
“It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse.
MEN. Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, lovingly patted Ann’s knee and whispered “Gold Medal- All- Purpose isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.
Clever Guest & Super Computer
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
25.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
26.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
27.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
28.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
29.
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
30.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
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eng jokes