1.
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
2.
A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man.
“I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said.
“Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
A woman goes into a toy shop
A woman was out driving
A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man.
“I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said.
“Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
A woman goes into a toy shop
A woman was out driving
3.
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.
The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.
The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.
The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The first day he didn’t see any change, but the second day, she fell into line.
The third guy married a South Dakota gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry.
The first day he didn’t see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Zen student said to his teacher
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.
The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.
The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.
The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The first day he didn’t see any change, but the second day, she fell into line.
The third guy married a South Dakota gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry.
The first day he didn’t see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Zen student said to his teacher
4.
A couple in the backyard.
The wife bends over to pick something up.
Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your bum is bigger than the bbq!”
She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”
A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.
He measures the bbq and her bum and…
Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.
Silently she disappears into the house that night both in bed.
He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.
She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A couple in the backyard.
The wife bends over to pick something up.
Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your bum is bigger than the bbq!”
She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”
A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.
He measures the bbq and her bum and…
Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.
Silently she disappears into the house that night both in bed.
He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.
She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
5.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
6.
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
7.
Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it.
One woman tells the other that she misses love though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have love whenever she wants.
The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he’s in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets undressed and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can’t help but have love with her.
The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later.
Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets undressed, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she’s holding them shakily.
Her husband comes out and exclaims, “Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair you’re starting to look like an bastard!”
Two women are walking home
A man wakes up in the hospital
Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it.
One woman tells the other that she misses love though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have love whenever she wants.
The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he’s in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets undressed and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can’t help but have love with her.
The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later.
Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets undressed, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she’s holding them shakily.
Her husband comes out and exclaims, “Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair you’re starting to look like an bastard!”
Two women are walking home
A man wakes up in the hospital
8.
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
9.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
10.
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
11.
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket.
Why?” The man replies,
“I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A artist asked the gallery owner
A man went to a gift store
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket.
Why?” The man replies,
“I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A artist asked the gallery owner
A man went to a gift store
12.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
13.
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
14.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
15.
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
16.
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
17.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
18.
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A old lady finished her annual physical
Mrs. Green lived in two story house
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A old lady finished her annual physical
Mrs. Green lived in two story house
19.
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
“Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
The man asked the doctor
Two blondes were working on a house
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
“Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
The man asked the doctor
Two blondes were working on a house
20.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
21.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
22.
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.
A speeding driver was pulled over
A young man excitedly tells his mother
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.
A speeding driver was pulled over
A young man excitedly tells his mother
23.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
24.
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
25.
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
She caught the burglar red-handed
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
She caught the burglar red-handed
26.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
27.
A man owned a small ranch in Montana…
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.
“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.
The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”.
“The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”
“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “
The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”
“You already are” replied the rancher
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
Frank always looked on the bright side
A man owned a small ranch in Montana…
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.
“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.
The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”.
“The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”
“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “
The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”
“You already are” replied the rancher
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
Frank always looked on the bright side
28.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
29.
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
30.
In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture.
Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there.
So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go and look for any good deals there.
As she was looking around she found the parrot that was being sold so she decided she would buy and take the parrot home because it would’ve been a pity if she left it behind.
So she took the parrot home and left it at the kitchen in its cage.
So later on the wife went to take something to eat from the fridge. The parrot goes:
“New bawd I see”
Later the daughter went to make some coffee.
“New hoe I see”
After that, the son went to get some water
“New pimp I see”
And then the dad went to make something to eat. The parrot goes:
“New bawd, pimp and hoe but at least John is still here
Three ducks went to court
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture.
Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there.
So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go and look for any good deals there.
As she was looking around she found the parrot that was being sold so she decided she would buy and take the parrot home because it would’ve been a pity if she left it behind.
So she took the parrot home and left it at the kitchen in its cage.
So later on the wife went to take something to eat from the fridge. The parrot goes:
“New bawd I see”
Later the daughter went to make some coffee.
“New hoe I see”
After that, the son went to get some water
“New pimp I see”
And then the dad went to make something to eat. The parrot goes:
“New bawd, pimp and hoe but at least John is still here
Three ducks went to court
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
Tags:
eng jokes