1.
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
2.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
3.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
A group of soldiers stood in formation
John and Bob were discussing
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
A group of soldiers stood in formation
John and Bob were discussing
4.
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
5.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
6.
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of make love came up.
So they got into an argument about who enjoyed lovemaking more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women.
Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?
The bride immediately called her mother
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of make love came up.
So they got into an argument about who enjoyed lovemaking more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women.
Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?
The bride immediately called her mother
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
7.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
8.
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
9.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
10.
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said.
“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
“See you later, grandpa.”
Goes to show never mess with the elderly!
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A man and his wife arrive from a trip
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said.
“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
“See you later, grandpa.”
Goes to show never mess with the elderly!
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A man and his wife arrive from a trip
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11.
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
12.
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
13.
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
14.
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
“Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about.
So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C
stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.
I need to inspect your ranch
A elderly Irish farmer
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
“Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about.
So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C
stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.
I need to inspect your ranch
A elderly Irish farmer
15.
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
16.
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
17.
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
18.
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
19.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
20.
A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the melons of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old bum!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”
A couple invites their family for dinner
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the melons of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old bum!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”
A couple invites their family for dinner
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
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21.
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
22.
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
23.
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
24.
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
25.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
26.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
27.
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
28.
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
29.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend in the country.
The country mouse was very glad to see his good friend.
He gave his guest the best dinner that he could find.
The country mouse was afraid that there was not enough food for two, so he just ate a little piece of corn.
His friend had some green peas, a piece of new cheese, a ripe and a red apple.
After the city mouse ate all the dinner, he said, “How can you live in the country, my friend? You can see nothing but forest, rivers, fields and mountains.
You must be very tired of hearing nothing but bird songs come with me to the city.
There you can live in a beautiful house and have good things for dinner every day.
When you have lived in the city for a week,, you will forget all about living in the country.”
So the two mice went to the city, they reached the home of the city mouse at night
“You must be hungry we walked for a long time,” said the city mouse to his friend.
“We will have some dinner immediately.”
So they went to the dinning room and the city mouse found some cake and fruit.
“Help yourself,” he said.
“There is enough for both of us.”
“This is a very good dinner,” said the country mouse.
“You are very rich my friend!”
Just then the door opened and a dog came in the mice jumped off the table and ran into a h*le in the floor.
The poor little country mouse was so frightened!
“Do not be afraid,” said his friend.
“The dog cannot come in here.”
Then the mice went to the kitchen they found an apple pie on the shelf and were enjoying a piece of it at that moment, they saw two bright eyes watching them.
“The cat! The cat!” cried the city mouse and the mice quickly ran through a h*le in the wall.
When the country mouse could speak, he said, Good-bye, my friend you can live in the city with the dogs and cats.
I like my home in the country.
In the country the birds sing to me while i eat my simple corn and apples.
In the city the cats watch you eating your fancy cake and pie.
I like my corn in safety better than your cake in fear.
A truck driver is driving through
A carpenter went home
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend in the country.
The country mouse was very glad to see his good friend.
He gave his guest the best dinner that he could find.
The country mouse was afraid that there was not enough food for two, so he just ate a little piece of corn.
His friend had some green peas, a piece of new cheese, a ripe and a red apple.
After the city mouse ate all the dinner, he said, “How can you live in the country, my friend? You can see nothing but forest, rivers, fields and mountains.
You must be very tired of hearing nothing but bird songs come with me to the city.
There you can live in a beautiful house and have good things for dinner every day.
When you have lived in the city for a week,, you will forget all about living in the country.”
So the two mice went to the city, they reached the home of the city mouse at night
“You must be hungry we walked for a long time,” said the city mouse to his friend.
“We will have some dinner immediately.”
So they went to the dinning room and the city mouse found some cake and fruit.
“Help yourself,” he said.
“There is enough for both of us.”
“This is a very good dinner,” said the country mouse.
“You are very rich my friend!”
Just then the door opened and a dog came in the mice jumped off the table and ran into a h*le in the floor.
The poor little country mouse was so frightened!
“Do not be afraid,” said his friend.
“The dog cannot come in here.”
Then the mice went to the kitchen they found an apple pie on the shelf and were enjoying a piece of it at that moment, they saw two bright eyes watching them.
“The cat! The cat!” cried the city mouse and the mice quickly ran through a h*le in the wall.
When the country mouse could speak, he said, Good-bye, my friend you can live in the city with the dogs and cats.
I like my home in the country.
In the country the birds sing to me while i eat my simple corn and apples.
In the city the cats watch you eating your fancy cake and pie.
I like my corn in safety better than your cake in fear.
A truck driver is driving through
A carpenter went home
30.
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
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eng jokes