1.
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
2.
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
3.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
4.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
5.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
6.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
7.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
8.
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
9.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
10.
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
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11.
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
12.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
13.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
14.
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
15.
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
16.
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
17.
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
18.
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
19.
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
20.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
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21.
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
22.
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
23.
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
24.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
25.
An old man was sitting on a bus.
A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow.
The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had lovemaking with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Three older ladies were discussing
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
An old man was sitting on a bus.
A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow.
The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had lovemaking with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Three older ladies were discussing
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
26.
Predicting the weather
A local news station is is starting its broadcast for the daily weather and they start talking about rain for the day.
The meteorologist starts in “We are looking at about a 60% chance of rain for the day mostly cloudy.”
In the back of the station someone chirps up “Hey it’s raining right now!”
The meteorologist looks back into the camera and says “Looks like there has been a slight change in the forecast,
we are now looking at a 90% chance of rain”
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
After their baby was born
Predicting the weather
A local news station is is starting its broadcast for the daily weather and they start talking about rain for the day.
The meteorologist starts in “We are looking at about a 60% chance of rain for the day mostly cloudy.”
In the back of the station someone chirps up “Hey it’s raining right now!”
The meteorologist looks back into the camera and says “Looks like there has been a slight change in the forecast,
we are now looking at a 90% chance of rain”
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
After their baby was born
27.
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
28.
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
29.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
30.
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
Tags:
eng jokes