1.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
2.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
3.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
4.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
5.
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
“Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother.
The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked.
Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an in make love!”
A woman is standing looking in mirror
One day two young brothers in Rome
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
“Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother.
The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked.
Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an in make love!”
A woman is standing looking in mirror
One day two young brothers in Rome
6.
There was a little girl who really loved dolls.
She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll.
It would make a perfect addition to her collection.
She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated.
“I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms.
When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted.
She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
A American traveling to Japan
There was a little girl who really loved dolls.
She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll.
It would make a perfect addition to her collection.
She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated.
“I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms.
When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted.
She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
A American traveling to Japan
7.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
8.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
9.
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
10.
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
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11.
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
12.
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
13.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
14.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
15.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
16.
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
17.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
18.
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
19.
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight.
So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the steps again.
But it was still to tight.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight.
She tried one more time.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
And she still couldn’t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the bum.
He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him and saying
“What do you think you are doing.”
Well the man says:
* * * * * * * * *
“Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted.”
A store that sells husbands
An old woman had 3 daughters
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight.
So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the steps again.
But it was still to tight.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight.
She tried one more time.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
And she still couldn’t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the bum.
He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him and saying
“What do you think you are doing.”
Well the man says:
* * * * * * * * *
“Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted.”
A store that sells husbands
An old woman had 3 daughters
20.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
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21.
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.; What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.; What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
22.
It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.
“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,
“I’m leaving right now.”
And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.
“They’ve already called three doctors.”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A man prepares his donkey and dog
It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.
“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,
“I’m leaving right now.”
And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.
“They’ve already called three doctors.”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A man prepares his donkey and dog
23.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
24.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
25.
The pilot complains about the airman’s attitude, but his comeback is priceless
During the pilot’s pref-light check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished”.
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer’s asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump she out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two friends were walking through
The pilot complains about the airman’s attitude, but his comeback is priceless
During the pilot’s pref-light check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished”.
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer’s asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump she out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two friends were walking through
26.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
27.
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
28.
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
29.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
30.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
Tags:
eng jokes