1.
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
2.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
3.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
4.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
5.
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
6.
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
7.
An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.
The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”
His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”
They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.
He walked over to him and said, “Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?”
The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”
“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.
To which the old man replied, “You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.
The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”
His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”
They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.
He walked over to him and said, “Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?”
The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”
“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.
To which the old man replied, “You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
8.
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
9.
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
10.
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
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11.
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies.
She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?”
The husband says, “Sure.”
She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?”
He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says,
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.”
The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies.
She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?”
The husband says, “Sure.”
She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?”
He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says,
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.”
The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
12.
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
She was a little bit apprehensive
Lisa a 16 year old girl
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
She was a little bit apprehensive
Lisa a 16 year old girl
13.
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
14.
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
15.
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
16.
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
17.
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
18.
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”
St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”
St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”
The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar.
They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”
He says, “I saw my wife today!”
The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”
He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”
A couple on their wedding night
A young lady came home from a date
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”
St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”
St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”
The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar.
They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”
He says, “I saw my wife today!”
The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”
He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”
A couple on their wedding night
A young lady came home from a date
19.
Once a software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart and the farmer was sleeping peacefully in that cart.
He was very surprised to see this scene and without stopping he said to the farmer,
“If the bull stopped, you wouldn’t understand.”
Farmer: Understand sir, if the bull stops walking, the bell will not ring.
The engineer thought for a minute and said.
“But what if this bull stopped in one place and just kept moving his neck?
The farmer quietly replied: Our bull doesn’t work in the corporate sector, sir!”
Two blonde gals at the casino
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
Once a software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart and the farmer was sleeping peacefully in that cart.
He was very surprised to see this scene and without stopping he said to the farmer,
“If the bull stopped, you wouldn’t understand.”
Farmer: Understand sir, if the bull stops walking, the bell will not ring.
The engineer thought for a minute and said.
“But what if this bull stopped in one place and just kept moving his neck?
The farmer quietly replied: Our bull doesn’t work in the corporate sector, sir!”
Two blonde gals at the casino
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
20.
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
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21.
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
22.
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane.
They want to break the tension amongst the countries, so they decide to go on a retreat to go skydiving.
While they’re headed to the drop off location, they each start to boast that their country is better.
“My country has the fastest moving army,” claims Hitler. “No one can beat it.”
“Except when they face the wrath of the Motherland,” retorts Stalin. “You can’t even stand the cold.”
“I think we should all agree that America is the real savior here,” says Roosevelt.
“I, uh…. my country…. uhhhhh….” stutters Mussolini.
The boasting continues until they arrive at the drop off point.
“Everyone have their parachutes ready to go?” the pilot says.
Everyone nods.
“Since we all can’t agree on who’s country is the best, let’s make a bet:
whoever can go the farthest without opening their parachute, their country is the best,” Mussolini says.
“Okay,” Roosevelt shrugs, and jumps out the plane. “For America!”
“Shit!” Mussolini says, and jumps out next.
Hitler and Stalin are both standing at the edge.
Neither really wants to jump. “Hey, can I take a look at your parachute real quick?” Hitler asks.
“I want to make sure that mine is going to function correctly.”
Stalin takes off his pack and hands it over to Hitler.
All of a sudden, Hitler yells, “FOR DEUTSCHLAND!!” and pushes Stalin out of the plane.
There once was a religious young woman
There was a World wide survey
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane.
They want to break the tension amongst the countries, so they decide to go on a retreat to go skydiving.
While they’re headed to the drop off location, they each start to boast that their country is better.
“My country has the fastest moving army,” claims Hitler. “No one can beat it.”
“Except when they face the wrath of the Motherland,” retorts Stalin. “You can’t even stand the cold.”
“I think we should all agree that America is the real savior here,” says Roosevelt.
“I, uh…. my country…. uhhhhh….” stutters Mussolini.
The boasting continues until they arrive at the drop off point.
“Everyone have their parachutes ready to go?” the pilot says.
Everyone nods.
“Since we all can’t agree on who’s country is the best, let’s make a bet:
whoever can go the farthest without opening their parachute, their country is the best,” Mussolini says.
“Okay,” Roosevelt shrugs, and jumps out the plane. “For America!”
“Shit!” Mussolini says, and jumps out next.
Hitler and Stalin are both standing at the edge.
Neither really wants to jump. “Hey, can I take a look at your parachute real quick?” Hitler asks.
“I want to make sure that mine is going to function correctly.”
Stalin takes off his pack and hands it over to Hitler.
All of a sudden, Hitler yells, “FOR DEUTSCHLAND!!” and pushes Stalin out of the plane.
There once was a religious young woman
There was a World wide survey
23.
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
24.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
25.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
26.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
27.
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
28.
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
29.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
30.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes she said, checking for abnormalities.
He tell her to take off her t-shirt and starts rubbing her fronts, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes, she said checking for cancer.
He tells her to take of her underwear and starts lovemaking.
He tells her do you know what I’m doing?
She said “Yes getting A.I.D.S.
A man escapes a prison
There was a blind girl
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes she said, checking for abnormalities.
He tell her to take off her t-shirt and starts rubbing her fronts, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes, she said checking for cancer.
He tells her to take of her underwear and starts lovemaking.
He tells her do you know what I’m doing?
She said “Yes getting A.I.D.S.
A man escapes a prison
There was a blind girl
Tags:
eng jokes