1.
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
2.
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
3.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
4.
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!”
Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
Sam showed up in court together
A wife was sitting peacefully
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!”
Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
Sam showed up in court together
A wife was sitting peacefully
5.
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
6.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
7.
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
8.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet.
Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband quickly interjects, “She’s lying!! She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
“Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, “Let’s get out of here!!”
A couple were Christmas shopping
The mother came on her little son
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet.
Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband quickly interjects, “She’s lying!! She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
“Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, “Let’s get out of here!!”
A couple were Christmas shopping
The mother came on her little son
9.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
10.
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
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11.
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
12.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
13.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
14.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
15.
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
16.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
17.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her melons.
He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your melons and say,
“Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger melons.”
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great melons!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new melons and didn’t want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–“Scooby dooby doobies.
I want bigger melons.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory hickory dock
A man walked into a bar
The Kid Asks His Dad
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her melons.
He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your melons and say,
“Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger melons.”
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great melons!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new melons and didn’t want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–“Scooby dooby doobies.
I want bigger melons.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory hickory dock
A man walked into a bar
The Kid Asks His Dad
18.
The mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
A man was pulled over for speeding down
A elderly couple was in bed one night
The mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
A man was pulled over for speeding down
A elderly couple was in bed one night
19.
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”
The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.
When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.
She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”
The young man replied with a pale and shocked face.
“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blind man walks into a restaurant
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”
The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.
When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.
She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”
The young man replied with a pale and shocked face.
“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blind man walks into a restaurant
20.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my weapon??’”
Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I bloody said!”
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
A blonde goes into a store
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my weapon??’”
Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I bloody said!”
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
A blonde goes into a store
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21.
The help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.
All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby again
Once more, she says, “Not yet!”
Finally they ask, “When the heck can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries!”
“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
Mom says, “Because I forgot where I put it!”
A mother and a baby camel were talking
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
The help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.
All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby again
Once more, she says, “Not yet!”
Finally they ask, “When the heck can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries!”
“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
Mom says, “Because I forgot where I put it!”
A mother and a baby camel were talking
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
22.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
23.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose:
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.
“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says.
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose:
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.
“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says.
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
24.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
25.
A family goes to the zoo and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals.
The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, “Mommy, what’s that?!”
She tells him that it’s a monkey.
Soon after he points again, asking “Mommy, what’s that?”
She tells him that it’s a giraffe…and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says “Mommy, what’s that?”
She says “That’s an elephant!”, but he points underneath the elephant and says “No, Mommy, what’s that?”
She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says “That’s nothing, sweetie, that’s nothing.”
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father.
They walk for a bit and the boy asks “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s a bear.”
A bit later, “Dad, what’s that?” “That’s a penguin!” …and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s an Elephant.”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, Dad, I mean underneath”, so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
“That’s the elephant’s p**is, son.”
“Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?”
The father thinks for a moment, then says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
I recall my first time with a protection
A man sat in the confession booth in church
A family goes to the zoo and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals.
The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, “Mommy, what’s that?!”
She tells him that it’s a monkey.
Soon after he points again, asking “Mommy, what’s that?”
She tells him that it’s a giraffe…and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says “Mommy, what’s that?”
She says “That’s an elephant!”, but he points underneath the elephant and says “No, Mommy, what’s that?”
She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says “That’s nothing, sweetie, that’s nothing.”
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father.
They walk for a bit and the boy asks “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s a bear.”
A bit later, “Dad, what’s that?” “That’s a penguin!” …and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s an Elephant.”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, Dad, I mean underneath”, so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
“That’s the elephant’s p**is, son.”
“Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?”
The father thinks for a moment, then says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
I recall my first time with a protection
A man sat in the confession booth in church
26.
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
27.
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
28.
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.”
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’
The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’
A man was being interviewed for a job
Three guys are in a Cessna
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.”
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’
The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’
A man was being interviewed for a job
Three guys are in a Cessna
29.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
30.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her melons.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of melons cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have bang lovemaking with the woman.
He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
A woman goes to the doctor
Four strangers traveled together
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her melons.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of melons cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have bang lovemaking with the woman.
He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
A woman goes to the doctor
Four strangers traveled together
Tags:
eng jokes