1.
Two men were marooned on an Island.
One man passed back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.
The first man said to the second man, “aren’t you afraid we are about to die.”
“No,” said the second man, “for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week
My Pastor will find me.”
Murphy drops some buttered toast
The parish priest with a question
Two men were marooned on an Island.
One man passed back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.
The first man said to the second man, “aren’t you afraid we are about to die.”
“No,” said the second man, “for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week
My Pastor will find me.”
Murphy drops some buttered toast
The parish priest with a question
2.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
3.
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
4.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
5.
A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.
“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A elderly couple returned to a Mercedes
A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.
“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A elderly couple returned to a Mercedes
6.
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
7.
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
8.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
9.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
10.
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
📚 Recommended Posts
Last Minute Exam Motivation Quotes ToRebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
Six Engineers And Six Mathematicians
Laughter Unplugged Pure Fun In Every
11.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
12.
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
13.
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
14.
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
15.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily.
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Two boys are playing football
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily.
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Two boys are playing football
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
16.
A doctor drives by a small town.
He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner’s daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father Sir, I’m a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?” asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the father.
“Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have bed time with her.”
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again, Doctor, it is so great to see you again.
About a week ago Mrs. Edward died.
Half of the town has bang her already but she is just not waking up.”
I smelled something funny
Man was travelling through
A doctor drives by a small town.
He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner’s daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father Sir, I’m a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?” asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the father.
“Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have bed time with her.”
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again, Doctor, it is so great to see you again.
About a week ago Mrs. Edward died.
Half of the town has bang her already but she is just not waking up.”
I smelled something funny
Man was travelling through
17.
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She pushes his chair back and moves in closer.
“I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.”
The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says: “Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively.
“Absolutely anything?”, he asks. “YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She pushes his chair back and moves in closer. “I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.” The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says:
“Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively. “Absolutely anything?”, he asks.
“YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A guy and his wife go golfing
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She pushes his chair back and moves in closer.
“I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.”
The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says: “Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively.
“Absolutely anything?”, he asks. “YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She pushes his chair back and moves in closer. “I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.” The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says:
“Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively. “Absolutely anything?”, he asks.
“YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A guy and his wife go golfing
18.
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
19.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care.”
“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care.”
“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A man and his wife went to a doctor
20.
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
📚 Recommended Posts
Last Minute Exam Motivation Quotes ToRebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
Six Engineers And Six Mathematicians
Laughter Unplugged Pure Fun In Every
21.
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
22.
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
23.
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
24.
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.
He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked,
“Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”
The man indeed had a job for the boy to do
He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush.
“Paint my porch.”
The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.
A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.
“Okay, mister, I’m done painting but I gotta tell ya, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lamborghini.”
The detective walks around the scene
A pastor
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.
He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked,
“Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”
The man indeed had a job for the boy to do
He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush.
“Paint my porch.”
The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.
A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.
“Okay, mister, I’m done painting but I gotta tell ya, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lamborghini.”
The detective walks around the scene
A pastor
25.
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
26.
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
27.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
28.
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
29.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
30.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
Tags:
eng jokes