1.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.
Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing?
You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
They each go into the woods find a bear
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.
Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing?
You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
They each go into the woods find a bear
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
2.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
3.
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation.
The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow.
To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.
Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.
A couple of years went by, and the man died once again.
The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died.
The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.
“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said.
“I had the old fool buried upside down.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation.
The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow.
To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.
Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.
A couple of years went by, and the man died once again.
The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died.
The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.
“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said.
“I had the old fool buried upside down.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
4.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
5.
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
6.
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist.
When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast “I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
A man and his wife were going
Sam showed up in court together
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist.
When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast “I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
A man and his wife were going
Sam showed up in court together
7.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
8.
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.
After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.
He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can’t hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top of his lungs,
“I am free, I am free, I am finally free”.
A passing little boy walks up to him and says “Big whoop! I just turned four!”
A kid asks his father
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.
After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.
He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can’t hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top of his lungs,
“I am free, I am free, I am finally free”.
A passing little boy walks up to him and says “Big whoop! I just turned four!”
A kid asks his father
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
9.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
10.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
📚 Recommended Posts
A Violent Tropical Storm EnvelopedDoctor And Lawyer In Two Cars Collided
Isaac Newton Motivational Quotes 05
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
There Was Engineer Who Had Funny Jokes
11.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
12.
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
13.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
14.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
15.
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
16.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
17.
If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old.
Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out.
Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE.
Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students).
He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name.
The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column.
A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process.
This twist is the key.
When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain.
Gravity and pressure take over and the rest, as they say, is history — the vessel then empties itself entirely.
If filled to just below that point, however, a user can drink from the vessel normally.
Cross section of a Pythagorean cup being filled: at B, the cup may be safely drunk from, but at C, the siphon effect causes the cup to drain.
Diagram by Nevit Dilmen (CC BY-SA 3.0)
As the (possibly apocryphal) story goes:
Pythagoras designed the cup so that his students would share equally and balance their consumption.
If they poured too much, these self-draining chalices would prevent the students from ending up in their cups, so to speak.
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
A young man from the city
If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old.
Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out.
Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE.
Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students).
He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name.
The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column.
A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process.
This twist is the key.
When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain.
Gravity and pressure take over and the rest, as they say, is history — the vessel then empties itself entirely.
If filled to just below that point, however, a user can drink from the vessel normally.
Cross section of a Pythagorean cup being filled: at B, the cup may be safely drunk from, but at C, the siphon effect causes the cup to drain.
Diagram by Nevit Dilmen (CC BY-SA 3.0)
As the (possibly apocryphal) story goes:
Pythagoras designed the cup so that his students would share equally and balance their consumption.
If they poured too much, these self-draining chalices would prevent the students from ending up in their cups, so to speak.
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
A young man from the city
18.
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
19.
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
20.
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
📚 Recommended Posts
A Violent Tropical Storm EnvelopedDoctor And Lawyer In Two Cars Collided
Isaac Newton Motivational Quotes 05
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
There Was Engineer Who Had Funny Jokes
21.
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
22.
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
23.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
24.
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
25.
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
26.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
27.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
28.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
29.
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
30.
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
Tags:
eng jokes