1.
A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an nerve with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
“OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband.”
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
“Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
Cos, I couldn’t get an nerve either.”
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A man walked into a bar
A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an nerve with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
“OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband.”
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
“Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
Cos, I couldn’t get an nerve either.”
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A man walked into a bar
2.
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
3.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
4.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
5.
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
6.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
7.
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
8.
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued,
“then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man was sick and tired
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued,
“then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man was sick and tired
9.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
10.
A wife is running in the park and takes a break to stretch near two men.
As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.
The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home.
She tells him what she saw in the park and asks, “what’s a pace car?”
The husband replies, “a Pace Car is a woman so fit and beautiful you run extra hard to stay behind her and keep up your speed.”
With a smile and a flight the wife asks, “am I your pace car?”
The husband looks up and down for a second and says… “yeah, if you were behind me!
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
A wife is running in the park and takes a break to stretch near two men.
As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.
The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home.
She tells him what she saw in the park and asks, “what’s a pace car?”
The husband replies, “a Pace Car is a woman so fit and beautiful you run extra hard to stay behind her and keep up your speed.”
With a smile and a flight the wife asks, “am I your pace car?”
The husband looks up and down for a second and says… “yeah, if you were behind me!
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
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11.
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
12.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
13.
Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”
The judge asked the lady
The ninety-five-year-old woman
Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”
The judge asked the lady
The ninety-five-year-old woman
14.
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
15.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
16.
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly.
“Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
A pickup truck full of penguins
A man and his dog walk
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly.
“Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
A pickup truck full of penguins
A man and his dog walk
17.
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
18.
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”
A college professor of Psychology
A secretary walked into her boss
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”
A college professor of Psychology
A secretary walked into her boss
19.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
20.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
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21.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
22.
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
23.
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
24.
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
25.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
26.
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
Three ladies were on a flight
A man was driving along the highway
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
Three ladies were on a flight
A man was driving along the highway
27.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
28.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
29.
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks
‘Eight and a half stone,’ the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stone
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 foot 8 !!!’, she says.
The nurse checks and says that she only measures 5′ 2′.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
‘Of course it’s HIGH !!!’ the woman screams, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender…
Now I’m short and fat !!!’
A elderly Irish farmer
He awoke before the Pearly Gates
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks
‘Eight and a half stone,’ the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stone
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 foot 8 !!!’, she says.
The nurse checks and says that she only measures 5′ 2′.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
‘Of course it’s HIGH !!!’ the woman screams, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender…
Now I’m short and fat !!!’
A elderly Irish farmer
He awoke before the Pearly Gates
30.
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
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eng jokes