1.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
2.
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
3.
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
4.
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
5.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
6.
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
7.
“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”Dr ask”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me loving. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help me!”
“Er … Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough make love!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me I’m a B-girl!”
Three friends were at the bar
The teacher decides to play game
“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”Dr ask”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me loving. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help me!”
“Er … Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough make love!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me I’m a B-girl!”
Three friends were at the bar
The teacher decides to play game
8.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
9.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
10.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
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11.
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.
The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder,
“Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart,
“I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
The town champion went to the Zen master
The stud rooster
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.
The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder,
“Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart,
“I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
The town champion went to the Zen master
The stud rooster
12.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
13.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose:
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.
“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says.
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose:
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.
“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says.
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
14.
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
15.
Two old farmers are talking.
“I’ve got this one bull with no stamina whatsoever.
I can’t get him to mate for nothing,” one farmer lamented.
“I had the same problem with one of mine,” said the other farmer.
“I took him to animal doctor and got him some pills that worked like a charm.
He took one and five minutes later went out and mated with every cow I have.
Then when he was done he hopped the fence, ran to the neighbor’s farm and satisfied every cow that guy owns.”
“That’s amazing,” said the first farmer.
“what are these pills called?”
“I can’t remember what the’re called,” replied the first farmer.
“But they taste kind of like peppermint”.
Young boy gets suspended from school
Good news bad news
Two old farmers are talking.
“I’ve got this one bull with no stamina whatsoever.
I can’t get him to mate for nothing,” one farmer lamented.
“I had the same problem with one of mine,” said the other farmer.
“I took him to animal doctor and got him some pills that worked like a charm.
He took one and five minutes later went out and mated with every cow I have.
Then when he was done he hopped the fence, ran to the neighbor’s farm and satisfied every cow that guy owns.”
“That’s amazing,” said the first farmer.
“what are these pills called?”
“I can’t remember what the’re called,” replied the first farmer.
“But they taste kind of like peppermint”.
Young boy gets suspended from school
Good news bad news
16.
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
17.
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
18.
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
19.
A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand.
The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied “They are brain pills…they make you smart.”
The bartender says excitedly, “Give me one.”
He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water.
In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn’t feel any smarter.
“You probably didn’t take enough.”
So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill.
This one he looks at with more care.
He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly.
“Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!”
“See,” says the drunk, “you’re getting smarter already.”
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A man in a bar sees a friend
A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand.
The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied “They are brain pills…they make you smart.”
The bartender says excitedly, “Give me one.”
He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water.
In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn’t feel any smarter.
“You probably didn’t take enough.”
So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill.
This one he looks at with more care.
He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly.
“Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!”
“See,” says the drunk, “you’re getting smarter already.”
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A man in a bar sees a friend
20.
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
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21.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
22.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
23.
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
24.
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian,
“This is the worst book I’ve ever read!
It has no plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks,
“So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
One day a father and son
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian,
“This is the worst book I’ve ever read!
It has no plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks,
“So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
One day a father and son
25.
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
26.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class
Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
He goes to monastery knocks the door
A chemistry professor wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class
Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
He goes to monastery knocks the door
27.
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
28.
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
29.
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
30.
A blonde walks into an appliance store and sees a TV she would like to buy.
She goes to the register and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.“
So she walks out and dyes her hair black.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her another look of pity and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you three times, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair red.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a very tired look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you. We don’t sell to blondes.“
She asks, “How have you know I’m a blonde this whole time?“
The man replies, “because Ma’am…. that’s a microwave.“
A mother bought her young son a pet
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
A blonde walks into an appliance store and sees a TV she would like to buy.
She goes to the register and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.“
So she walks out and dyes her hair black.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her another look of pity and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you three times, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair red.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a very tired look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you. We don’t sell to blondes.“
She asks, “How have you know I’m a blonde this whole time?“
The man replies, “because Ma’am…. that’s a microwave.“
A mother bought her young son a pet
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
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eng jokes