1.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
2.
A wife is running in the park and takes a break to stretch near two men.
As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.
The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home.
She tells him what she saw in the park and asks, “what’s a pace car?”
The husband replies, “a Pace Car is a woman so fit and beautiful you run extra hard to stay behind her and keep up your speed.”
With a smile and a flight the wife asks, “am I your pace car?”
The husband looks up and down for a second and says… “yeah, if you were behind me!
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
A wife is running in the park and takes a break to stretch near two men.
As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.
The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home.
She tells him what she saw in the park and asks, “what’s a pace car?”
The husband replies, “a Pace Car is a woman so fit and beautiful you run extra hard to stay behind her and keep up your speed.”
With a smile and a flight the wife asks, “am I your pace car?”
The husband looks up and down for a second and says… “yeah, if you were behind me!
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
3.
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
4.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
5.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is lovemaking around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underclothes before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
She opened the door to see a well
Elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is lovemaking around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underclothes before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
She opened the door to see a well
Elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast
6.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
7.
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
8.
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
9.
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
10.
An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day
An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day
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11.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
12.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
13.
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
14.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
15.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!
That’s a real talent you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.
My kid and I were in a crowded public restroom
A man and woman had been married
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!
That’s a real talent you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.
My kid and I were in a crowded public restroom
A man and woman had been married
16.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
17.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
18.
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
19.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
20.
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
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21.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and cab be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it.
He comes home, goes up to his mother and says,
“Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work.
Johnny goes up to him and says:
“Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100.
“Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door.
Johnny opens it and says.
“I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
A father put his daughter to bed
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and cab be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it.
He comes home, goes up to his mother and says,
“Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work.
Johnny goes up to him and says:
“Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100.
“Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door.
Johnny opens it and says.
“I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
A father put his daughter to bed
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
22.
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
23.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
24.
Predicting the weather
A local news station is is starting its broadcast for the daily weather and they start talking about rain for the day.
The meteorologist starts in “We are looking at about a 60% chance of rain for the day mostly cloudy.”
In the back of the station someone chirps up “Hey it’s raining right now!”
The meteorologist looks back into the camera and says “Looks like there has been a slight change in the forecast,
we are now looking at a 90% chance of rain”
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
After their baby was born
Predicting the weather
A local news station is is starting its broadcast for the daily weather and they start talking about rain for the day.
The meteorologist starts in “We are looking at about a 60% chance of rain for the day mostly cloudy.”
In the back of the station someone chirps up “Hey it’s raining right now!”
The meteorologist looks back into the camera and says “Looks like there has been a slight change in the forecast,
we are now looking at a 90% chance of rain”
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
After their baby was born
25.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
“Well, I’ve seen you undressed. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.
“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.
“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
“I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
“Why are you wearing that towel now I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife.
The husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
“I’ll have it ENLARGED.”
A little girl was in church with her mother
A man and a woman were having a dinner
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
“Well, I’ve seen you undressed. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.
“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.
“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
“I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
“Why are you wearing that towel now I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife.
The husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
“I’ll have it ENLARGED.”
A little girl was in church with her mother
A man and a woman were having a dinner
26.
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
27.
Joke Title: Mr. Paddy
Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy.
“I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?”
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.”
“Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”.
“Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!’”
“Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes.!”
Biker In A Roadside Bar
An american was touring Mexico
Joke Title: Mr. Paddy
Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy.
“I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?”
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.”
“Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”.
“Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!’”
“Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes.!”
Biker In A Roadside Bar
An american was touring Mexico
28.
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
29.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
30.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
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