1.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
2.
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
“No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor…”
“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
“I’ve already said No, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blowier…I know you’d like it, too…”
“No! I’ve said NO!”
“My love… Don’t be like that…”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder.
Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
A kid comes home from school
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
“No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor…”
“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
“I’ve already said No, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blowier…I know you’d like it, too…”
“No! I’ve said NO!”
“My love… Don’t be like that…”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder.
Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
A kid comes home from school
3.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
4.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
5.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
6.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
7.
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
8.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
9.
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
10.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
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11.
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
12.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
13.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
14.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
15.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
16.
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
17.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
18.
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
The housewife was having her TV repaired
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
The housewife was having her TV repaired
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
19.
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
20.
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
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21.
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
22.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
23.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
24.
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
25.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
26.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
27.
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
28.
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
29.
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
30.
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
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