1.
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both leave the parking lot.
The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot.
He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph!
He can’t believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go.
At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more.
Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
“How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?”
The guy in the Corvette asks. The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, “MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!”
Telemarketer Repellant
God save the person
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both leave the parking lot.
The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot.
He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph!
He can’t believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go.
At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more.
Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
“How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?”
The guy in the Corvette asks. The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, “MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!”
Telemarketer Repellant
God save the person
2.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
3.
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
4.
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
5.
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
6.
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
7.
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
8.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
9.
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
10.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
11.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
12.
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
13.
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
14.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
15.
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father
I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Diangelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that but you’ve sinned and have to atone you cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
A man and waiter
The monks were allowed to speak
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father
I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Diangelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that but you’ve sinned and have to atone you cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
A man and waiter
The monks were allowed to speak
16.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
17.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
18.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
19.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
20.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
21.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
22.
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
23.
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
24.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
25.
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
26.
A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early
A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early
27.
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
28.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip…
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered this for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip…
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered this for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
29.
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
30.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed…
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.’
And on and on and on too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over undressed, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN.
A blind man
There was an engineer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed…
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.’
And on and on and on too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over undressed, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN.
A blind man
There was an engineer
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