1.
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
2.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
3.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
4.
A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise.
“Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?” the lady asks.
Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.
“Oh does he now? Well, that’s not enough, why else?” the lady asks.
“He also says I clean better than you ever did” the maid says.
“I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that’s still not enough to get a rise from me,” the lady replies.
“OK, I better in bed than you too.”
“WHAT!” screamed the lady.
“How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?”
“No,” says the maid:
“It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate.”
A teacher was helping one of her kids
Two old women are discussing
A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise.
“Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?” the lady asks.
Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.
“Oh does he now? Well, that’s not enough, why else?” the lady asks.
“He also says I clean better than you ever did” the maid says.
“I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that’s still not enough to get a rise from me,” the lady replies.
“OK, I better in bed than you too.”
“WHAT!” screamed the lady.
“How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?”
“No,” says the maid:
“It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate.”
A teacher was helping one of her kids
Two old women are discussing
5.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
6.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
7.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
8.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”
He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied. “Get in line.”
The doctor said to the elderly man
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”
He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied. “Get in line.”
The doctor said to the elderly man
A elderly man went to a doctor
9.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
10.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
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11.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
12.
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
13.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
14.
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.
If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”
A elderly couple had been dating
A married couple in their early
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.
If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”
A elderly couple had been dating
A married couple in their early
15.
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
16.
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
17.
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
18.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
19.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
20.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
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21.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
22.
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
23.
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
24.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
25.
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
26.
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
27.
There was a World wide survey of “Most Embarrassing Moment in human life”
the finale had the following three incidents…
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run a muck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
“If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question,
“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!”
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
George has an operation on his neck,
There was a World wide survey of “Most Embarrassing Moment in human life”
the finale had the following three incidents…
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run a muck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
“If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question,
“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!”
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
George has an operation on his neck,
28.
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
29.
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
30.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
Tags:
eng jokes