1.
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
2.
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
3.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
4.
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
5.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
6.
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
7.
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
8.
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
9.
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
10.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
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11.
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
12.
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
13.
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
14.
A city kid went to his grandpa farm for the weekend.
He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.
Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.
He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.
When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.
At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,
“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
A city kid went to his grandpa farm for the weekend.
He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.
Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.
He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.
When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.
At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,
“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
15.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead:
“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE,
MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
“Coz…” He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…..”
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead:
“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE,
MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
“Coz…” He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…..”
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
16.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
17.
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
18.
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Mum!”
“Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”
She is talking to her lawyer
A man and a woman were having drinks
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Mum!”
“Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”
She is talking to her lawyer
A man and a woman were having drinks
19.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is
I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman Said, ‘Watch this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said,
‘ That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seatmate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
A group of devils
A young man was getting ready
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is
I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman Said, ‘Watch this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said,
‘ That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seatmate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
A group of devils
A young man was getting ready
20.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
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21.
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
22.
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
23.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
24.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
25.
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
26.
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
27.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
28.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
29.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
30.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen
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eng jokes