1.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
2.
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
3.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
4.
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
5.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
6.
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
7.
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
8.
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
9.
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
10.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
📚 Recommended Posts
Never Ending Laughs Jokes That AlwaysA Local Fm Radio Was Running Funny
Johnny Noticed That Jimmy Funny Jokes 05
His Parents Look At Truck And Ask Funny
The Story Began When I Was Child Funny
11.
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”
“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”
“Did he smoke also?”
“No, he minded his own bang business.”
A man called his doctor
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”
“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”
“Did he smoke also?”
“No, he minded his own bang business.”
A man called his doctor
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
12.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
13.
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
14.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
15.
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,
“You know, I have an Itchy private part”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!”
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
Three old men were talking
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,
“You know, I have an Itchy private part”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!”
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
Three old men were talking
16.
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
17.
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”
Two Polish guys were taking
Three homeless man huddled up close
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”
Two Polish guys were taking
Three homeless man huddled up close
18.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
19.
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
20.
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
📚 Recommended Posts
Never Ending Laughs Jokes That AlwaysA Local Fm Radio Was Running Funny
Johnny Noticed That Jimmy Funny Jokes 05
His Parents Look At Truck And Ask Funny
The Story Began When I Was Child Funny
21.
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
22.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
23.
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
24.
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
25.
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
26.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Gerber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”
He awoke before the Pearly Gates
The Husband Hired A Detective
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Gerber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”
He awoke before the Pearly Gates
The Husband Hired A Detective
27.
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
28.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
29.
Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
He has 26 deers.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet.
So he name a single alphabet to single deer.
As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.
“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.
“Oh dear.”
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
A little boy boards a public bus
Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
He has 26 deers.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet.
So he name a single alphabet to single deer.
As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.
“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.
“Oh dear.”
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
A little boy boards a public bus
30.
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
Tags:
eng jokes