1.
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
2.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
3.
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
4.
Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him.
As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell.
Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time.
“Emily dear,” asked Edward.
“Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.
A moment later, Emily returned empty handed.
“Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.
A lady came in for a routine physical
A old man went to the Doctor
Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him.
As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell.
Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time.
“Emily dear,” asked Edward.
“Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.
A moment later, Emily returned empty handed.
“Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.
A lady came in for a routine physical
A old man went to the Doctor
5.
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
6.
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
7.
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.
As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.
Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:
“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”
Then he said,
“Frog, after I get don’ cutting’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”
This was too much for the deputy.
He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,
“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”
Little Johnny said, “Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ bum.”
An old owl was perched on a tree
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
8.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
9.
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
10.
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
📚 Recommended Posts
Laugh Out Loud Central Your DailyAristotle Motivational Inspirational
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit Right
Positive Quotes That Turn Challenges
11.
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
12.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
13.
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your’e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
The teacher asked her a question
A dentist told a mother
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your’e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
The teacher asked her a question
A dentist told a mother
14.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
15.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”
“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”
Two guys were sitting outside
A nun and a priest were traveling
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”
“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”
Two guys were sitting outside
A nun and a priest were traveling
16.
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
17.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
18.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
19.
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
20.
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
📚 Recommended Posts
Laugh Out Loud Central Your DailyAristotle Motivational Inspirational
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit Right
Positive Quotes That Turn Challenges
21.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
22.
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
23.
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
24.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
25.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
26.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
27.
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived.
To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, “What good will pill do him?”
The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheets off his legs.”
A husband comes home to find his wife
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived.
To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, “What good will pill do him?”
The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheets off his legs.”
A husband comes home to find his wife
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
28.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
29.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
30.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
Tags:
eng jokes