1.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
2.
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
“Fortunately” he continued, “this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000”
“Why is the male brain so expensive?” asked the patient.
“Oh, that’s easy, male brains are hardly used.”
A school teacher asked her students
Three nuns were talking
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
“Fortunately” he continued, “this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000”
“Why is the male brain so expensive?” asked the patient.
“Oh, that’s easy, male brains are hardly used.”
A school teacher asked her students
Three nuns were talking
3.
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
4.
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
5.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
6.
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
7.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
8.
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
9.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
10.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
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11.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
12.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
13.
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
14.
One day a blind man goes to a restaurant.
The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.
The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.
The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.
The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”
The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.
Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.
The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.
He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’
The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.
The blind man takes a whiff and says: “I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”
A guy goes to the supermarket
A blonde walks into a bank
One day a blind man goes to a restaurant.
The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.
The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.
The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.
The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”
The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.
Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.
The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.
He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’
The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.
The blind man takes a whiff and says: “I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”
A guy goes to the supermarket
A blonde walks into a bank
15.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
16.
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
17.
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
18.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
19.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
20.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
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21.
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
The boss calls his secretary
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
The boss calls his secretary
22.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
23.
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
24.
There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
25.
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
26.
A little boy once put his hand into a jar.
The jar was full of nuts.
He tried to take out as many as his hand could hold.
But when he tried to pull his hand out, it was too large for the narrow neck of the jar.
The boy don’t want to lose his nuts.
The little boy started to cry.
His mother saw the little boy standing close by, and told him something wise.
“Be happy with half as many, and you will get them easily.”
A Priest was being honored
A teacher from Primary School
A little boy once put his hand into a jar.
The jar was full of nuts.
He tried to take out as many as his hand could hold.
But when he tried to pull his hand out, it was too large for the narrow neck of the jar.
The boy don’t want to lose his nuts.
The little boy started to cry.
His mother saw the little boy standing close by, and told him something wise.
“Be happy with half as many, and you will get them easily.”
A Priest was being honored
A teacher from Primary School
27.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
28.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
29.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
30.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying