1.
A little girl that didn’t know what cursing or what mating was.
Two nights before thanksgiving, she heard her parents make love.
Her father said: “Oh honey, I love your luscious chest.” Then her mother said:
“And I love your slim tool!” The next morning, the girl asked her father what “luscious melons” were.
The father panicked. “It’s a fine coat.”
He said. The little girl then asked her mother what a “slim tool” is.
The mother panicked and said: “It’s a pair of boots.”
The next morning was thanksgiving, she walked past her father shaving in the bathroom.
He cut him self and exclaimed: “Oh, shit!”
The little girl asked what shit meant.
“I’m shaving right now, sweety” said her father.
Then the girl went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking the turkey.
She accidentally dropped it on the floor and said: “Oh,bang!” “What does bang mean?” Asked the little girl.
“I’m cooking the turkey right now, sweety.” replied her mother.
Then the door bell rang. Her mother told her to go open the door and welcome the thanksgiving guests.
The little girl walked up, opened the door and said: “Hello everyone!
Hang up your luscious melons, drop your slim tool, my dad’s upstairs shitting and my mum’s lovemaking the turkey.
There are 4 guys standing
There are 3 girls on a island
A little girl that didn’t know what cursing or what mating was.
Two nights before thanksgiving, she heard her parents make love.
Her father said: “Oh honey, I love your luscious chest.” Then her mother said:
“And I love your slim tool!” The next morning, the girl asked her father what “luscious melons” were.
The father panicked. “It’s a fine coat.”
He said. The little girl then asked her mother what a “slim tool” is.
The mother panicked and said: “It’s a pair of boots.”
The next morning was thanksgiving, she walked past her father shaving in the bathroom.
He cut him self and exclaimed: “Oh, shit!”
The little girl asked what shit meant.
“I’m shaving right now, sweety” said her father.
Then the girl went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking the turkey.
She accidentally dropped it on the floor and said: “Oh,bang!” “What does bang mean?” Asked the little girl.
“I’m cooking the turkey right now, sweety.” replied her mother.
Then the door bell rang. Her mother told her to go open the door and welcome the thanksgiving guests.
The little girl walked up, opened the door and said: “Hello everyone!
Hang up your luscious melons, drop your slim tool, my dad’s upstairs shitting and my mum’s lovemaking the turkey.
There are 4 guys standing
There are 3 girls on a island
2.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
3.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
4.
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
5.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.
So the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your fronts to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”
Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.
The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my fronts every day will make my fronts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bum, didn’t it?
A man standing at a urinal
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.
So the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your fronts to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”
Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.
The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my fronts every day will make my fronts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bum, didn’t it?
A man standing at a urinal
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
6.
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
7.
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from making love for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came two weeks later.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.” The younger man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That is okay,” said the young man.
“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Husband and wife talking in bed
A older couple were lying in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from making love for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came two weeks later.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.” The younger man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That is okay,” said the young man.
“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Husband and wife talking in bed
A older couple were lying in bed
8.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
9.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
10.
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
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11.
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
12.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
13.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
14.
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
15.
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
16.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
17.
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her English speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be OK with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
Lisa a 16 year old girl
A lady rubbed a bottle
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her English speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be OK with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
Lisa a 16 year old girl
A lady rubbed a bottle
18.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
19.
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
20.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. A
t the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
The Christmas carol performance
A group of blondes walk into a bar
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. A
t the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
The Christmas carol performance
A group of blondes walk into a bar
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21.
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
22.
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
23.
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
24.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
25.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
26.
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
27.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
28.
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
29.
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
30.
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
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eng jokes