1.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.
While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice…
“Jesus is watching.”
This startles the burglar, who quickly glances around with the flashlight but doesn’t see or hear anything else.
The burglar shrugs it off and continues.
“Jesus is watching.” The voice states again, in a more warning tone.
The burglar shines his light in the direction of the voice and sees a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He asks.
“Yes.” The parrot replies.
“What is your name?” Asks the burglar.
“Moses.” Replies the parrot.
The burglar chuckles.
“Who the hell names their parrot Moses?”
“The same guy that named his rottweiler Jesus.”
Two math professors are in a restaurant
A man went to God
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.
While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice…
“Jesus is watching.”
This startles the burglar, who quickly glances around with the flashlight but doesn’t see or hear anything else.
The burglar shrugs it off and continues.
“Jesus is watching.” The voice states again, in a more warning tone.
The burglar shines his light in the direction of the voice and sees a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He asks.
“Yes.” The parrot replies.
“What is your name?” Asks the burglar.
“Moses.” Replies the parrot.
The burglar chuckles.
“Who the hell names their parrot Moses?”
“The same guy that named his rottweiler Jesus.”
Two math professors are in a restaurant
A man went to God
2.
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
3.
A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband: Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife?!
The man replied: Till your grave becomes dry my love.
Then she said: Are you promising me this…?
Husband replied: Of course darling… I promise you.
And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year.
And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!
And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard.
He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…?
He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister.
She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.
Harry was stunned to come home
A man and his wife were always fighting
A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband: Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife?!
The man replied: Till your grave becomes dry my love.
Then she said: Are you promising me this…?
Husband replied: Of course darling… I promise you.
And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year.
And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!
And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard.
He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…?
He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister.
She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.
Harry was stunned to come home
A man and his wife were always fighting
4.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
5.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
6.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
7.
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
8.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
9.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
10.
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
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11.
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
12.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
13.
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
14.
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
15.
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
16.
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
17.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
18.
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
19.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
20.
Four nuns were attending a baseball game.
Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”
Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there.”
The third guy said, “I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there.”
The fourth guy said, “I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there.”
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!”
Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus
A young man called his mother
Four nuns were attending a baseball game.
Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”
Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there.”
The third guy said, “I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there.”
The fourth guy said, “I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there.”
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!”
Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus
A young man called his mother
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21.
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
22.
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
23.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
24.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
25.
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
26.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
27.
A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them.
At the end of the day, while marking the essays,she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her “What happened?”
She answered, “Read this It is one of my students’ essay.”
“Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special,
Make me into a television I want to take its place and live like the TV in my house.
Have my own special place, And have my family around me.
To be taken seriously when I talk I want to be the center of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions.
I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives even when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me and I want my brothers to fight to be with me.
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least, ensure that I can make them all happy and entertain them lord I don’t ask you for much… I just want to live like a TV.”
At that moment the husband said “My God, poor kid what horrible parents!”
The wife looked up at him and said “That is our son’s essay!!!”
The jar was full of nuts
Mike had a terrible cold
A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them.
At the end of the day, while marking the essays,she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her “What happened?”
She answered, “Read this It is one of my students’ essay.”
“Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special,
Make me into a television I want to take its place and live like the TV in my house.
Have my own special place, And have my family around me.
To be taken seriously when I talk I want to be the center of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions.
I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives even when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me and I want my brothers to fight to be with me.
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least, ensure that I can make them all happy and entertain them lord I don’t ask you for much… I just want to live like a TV.”
At that moment the husband said “My God, poor kid what horrible parents!”
The wife looked up at him and said “That is our son’s essay!!!”
The jar was full of nuts
Mike had a terrible cold
28.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
29.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
30.
In ancient times, a king had his men place a boulder on a roadway.
He then hid in the bushes, and watched to see if anyone would move the boulder out of the way some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers passed by and simply walked around it.
Many people blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none of them did anything about getting the stone removed.
One day, a peasant came along carrying vegetables upon approaching the boulder.
The peasant laid down his burden and tried to push the stone out of the way after much pushing and straining, he finally managed.
After the peasant went back to pick up his vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.
The purse contained many gold coins and note from the King explain that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the road.
One night four college students
My son starts school today
In ancient times, a king had his men place a boulder on a roadway.
He then hid in the bushes, and watched to see if anyone would move the boulder out of the way some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers passed by and simply walked around it.
Many people blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none of them did anything about getting the stone removed.
One day, a peasant came along carrying vegetables upon approaching the boulder.
The peasant laid down his burden and tried to push the stone out of the way after much pushing and straining, he finally managed.
After the peasant went back to pick up his vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.
The purse contained many gold coins and note from the King explain that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the road.
One night four college students
My son starts school today
Tags:
eng jokes