1.
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
2.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus
3.
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
Two cannibals were walling down the street.
They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they’re walking together, one turns to the other and says: “I don’t feel so good.”
The other one goes: “What’s wrong?”
The first one whimpers: “My tummy, it hurts.”
The second one says: “It must have been something you’ve eaten.
Do you remember anything you’ve eaten recently?”
The first one says: “Oh Yeah! I had boiled some of those cross-wearing men in brown clothes yesterday.”
the second one immediately understands, and replies: “I know why your tummy is hurting! You cooked them wrong!”
“I cooked those strange, bald-on-the-top-of-their-heads-men wrong? What did I do?”
“Those are friars.”
I was walking through the city
Some scientists created a machine
4.
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
5.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
6.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
7.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
8.
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.
He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!”
Hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.
He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!”
Hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A drunk man walks out of a bar
9.
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
10.
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said.
“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
“See you later, grandpa.”
Goes to show never mess with the elderly!
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A man and his wife arrive from a trip
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said.
“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
“See you later, grandpa.”
Goes to show never mess with the elderly!
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A man and his wife arrive from a trip
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11.
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
12.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
13.
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
14.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
15.
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom.
The man whispers to his wife “Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes.
He probably hasn’t seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you.”
The wife leans over and whispers.
“He wasn’t kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute.
So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey love you too.
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom.
The man whispers to his wife “Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes.
He probably hasn’t seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you.”
The wife leans over and whispers.
“He wasn’t kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute.
So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey love you too.
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office
16.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
17.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
18.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
19.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
20.
One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late.
Because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.
The pastor began his preaching.
To have an example of what he was preaching, he asked,
“Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.”
The old lady was wondering why everybody went quiet suddenly and asked the teenager what the pastor just said.
He answered that the pastor asked of people who wanted mints to stand up.
Our nice old lady stood up, without a care in the world.
The pastor was outraged, he demanded to know why she had stood up.
To that, the old lady responded, “I may be old and toothless, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”
A hunter went out to hunt
A old lady was walking down the street
One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late.
Because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.
The pastor began his preaching.
To have an example of what he was preaching, he asked,
“Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.”
The old lady was wondering why everybody went quiet suddenly and asked the teenager what the pastor just said.
He answered that the pastor asked of people who wanted mints to stand up.
Our nice old lady stood up, without a care in the world.
The pastor was outraged, he demanded to know why she had stood up.
To that, the old lady responded, “I may be old and toothless, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”
A hunter went out to hunt
A old lady was walking down the street
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21.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
22.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
23.
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
24.
A wise man stood in front of a large audience and cracked a very funny joke; everybody laughed like crazy.
After sometime, he cracked the same joke again; this time, less people laughed.
He cracked the same joke again and again until everyone got tired of it and started wondering what he was doing.
When he saw that there was no more laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:
“You can’t laugh at the same joke again.
Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Just because today is painful doesn’t mean tomorrow.
And just cause you failed today.
Two well-dressed ladies
A nice priest whom she asked
A wise man stood in front of a large audience and cracked a very funny joke; everybody laughed like crazy.
After sometime, he cracked the same joke again; this time, less people laughed.
He cracked the same joke again and again until everyone got tired of it and started wondering what he was doing.
When he saw that there was no more laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:
“You can’t laugh at the same joke again.
Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Just because today is painful doesn’t mean tomorrow.
And just cause you failed today.
Two well-dressed ladies
A nice priest whom she asked
25.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
“Hey Johnny, want to play Mummies and Daddies?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said the bewildered boy.
“I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A teacher was teaching her class
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
“Hey Johnny, want to play Mummies and Daddies?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said the bewildered boy.
“I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A teacher was teaching her class
26.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
27.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
28.
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
29.
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”
“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”
“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.
“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, ”Bell 1!”
And his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.
“Roll out more hose.” she replied,
“You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A husband and wife were walking down
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”
“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”
“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.
“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, ”Bell 1!”
And his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.
“Roll out more hose.” she replied,
“You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A husband and wife were walking down
A elderly couple who were both widowed
30.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Tags:
eng jokes