1.
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
2.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
3.
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy.
I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy.
I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
4.
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
5.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
She noticed several machetes in the car
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
She noticed several machetes in the car
6.
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
7.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
8.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
9.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A bride tells her husband
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A bride tells her husband
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
10.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
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11.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged.
Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like?
The tidy bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.
When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work.
Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running.
Would you check on it?”
And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like?
The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough.
The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said,
“Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having make love with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”
Johnny decides to go home and try it
A teacher was asking her class
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged.
Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like?
The tidy bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.
When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work.
Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running.
Would you check on it?”
And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like?
The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough.
The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said,
“Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having make love with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”
Johnny decides to go home and try it
A teacher was asking her class
12.
Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school
Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school
13.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
14.
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
15.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she’s talking to the waitress.
The mom gets impatient and yells,
“Eddy! Stop that! Or else!” All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, “Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?”
“Yup,” says the woman.
“Makes it easier than trying to remember who’s who every damn time.”
“But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?” the waitress asks.
“Well, then I just call them by their last names.”
A guy went to a psychiatrist
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she’s talking to the waitress.
The mom gets impatient and yells,
“Eddy! Stop that! Or else!” All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, “Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?”
“Yup,” says the woman.
“Makes it easier than trying to remember who’s who every damn time.”
“But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?” the waitress asks.
“Well, then I just call them by their last names.”
A guy went to a psychiatrist
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor
16.
A wise man stood in front of a large audience and cracked a very funny joke; everybody laughed like crazy.
After sometime, he cracked the same joke again; this time, less people laughed.
He cracked the same joke again and again until everyone got tired of it and started wondering what he was doing.
When he saw that there was no more laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:
“You can’t laugh at the same joke again.
Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Just because today is painful doesn’t mean tomorrow.
And just cause you failed today.
Two well-dressed ladies
A nice priest whom she asked
A wise man stood in front of a large audience and cracked a very funny joke; everybody laughed like crazy.
After sometime, he cracked the same joke again; this time, less people laughed.
He cracked the same joke again and again until everyone got tired of it and started wondering what he was doing.
When he saw that there was no more laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:
“You can’t laugh at the same joke again.
Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Just because today is painful doesn’t mean tomorrow.
And just cause you failed today.
Two well-dressed ladies
A nice priest whom she asked
17.
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
18.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested.
“Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
A husband and wife were driving through
Husband in bed with another woman
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested.
“Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
A husband and wife were driving through
Husband in bed with another woman
19.
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
20.
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
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21.
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
22.
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
23.
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
24.
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
25.
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
26.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
27.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
28.
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.
“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim.
“Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”
“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand,
“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
A terrible motorcycle accident
A lady was walking down the street
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.
“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim.
“Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”
“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand,
“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
A terrible motorcycle accident
A lady was walking down the street
29.
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday.”
A man went to the police station
A priest was hiking in the woods
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday.”
A man went to the police station
A priest was hiking in the woods
30.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”
Lisa came up behind her husband
A couple is in bed sleeping
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”
Lisa came up behind her husband
A couple is in bed sleeping
Tags:
eng jokes