1.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
2.
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
3.
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
4.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
5.
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
6.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The pretty teacher was concerned
A man and a woman were dating
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The pretty teacher was concerned
A man and a woman were dating
7.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,
Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there,
Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him.
Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside.
Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork.
He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer
A prist is drowing
A hunter had been out hunting bear
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,
Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there,
Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him.
Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside.
Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork.
He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer
A prist is drowing
A hunter had been out hunting bear
8.
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
9.
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife with age wisdom comes!
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A accountant is in a car travelling
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife with age wisdom comes!
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A accountant is in a car travelling
10.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
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11.
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
12.
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”
“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”
“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.
“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, ”Bell 1!”
And his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.
“Roll out more hose.” she replied,
“You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A husband and wife were walking down
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”
“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”
“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.
“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, ”Bell 1!”
And his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.
“Roll out more hose.” she replied,
“You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A husband and wife were walking down
A elderly couple who were both widowed
13.
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope then I sat down and continued to milk her just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Lamaze class was in full swing
At the station
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope then I sat down and continued to milk her just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Lamaze class was in full swing
At the station
14.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
15.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
16.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
17.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
18.
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
19.
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
20.
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot.
It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector.
He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late.
Both parents were understandably angry.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?”, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.”
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John.
“When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.”
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair,
but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
A young man strides into a chemist
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot.
It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector.
He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late.
Both parents were understandably angry.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?”, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.”
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John.
“When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.”
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair,
but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
A young man strides into a chemist
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21.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded: “Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our interconnections
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
A young man was getting ready
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded: “Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our interconnections
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
A young man was getting ready
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
22.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
23.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
24.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
25.
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
26.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
27.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
28.
A man was in a bad accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The last question of the interview was always the same.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.
“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”
“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any freaking’ ears.”
Three rich men were boasting
A man was out hunting
A man was in a bad accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The last question of the interview was always the same.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.
“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”
“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any freaking’ ears.”
Three rich men were boasting
A man was out hunting
29.
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
30.
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
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eng jokes