1.
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
2.
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
3.
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
4.
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
5.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
6.
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
7.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
8.
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
9.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again, they went right through.
This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through.
She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
Johnny is constantly late for school
These Three Go To Heaven
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again, they went right through.
This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through.
She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
Johnny is constantly late for school
These Three Go To Heaven
10.
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
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11.
A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings
A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings
12.
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
13.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
14.
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
15.
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
16.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
17.
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
18.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
19.
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
20.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
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Isaac Newton Motivational Quotes 05
21.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
22.
A man had the worst day of his life, so he decided to go to the new bar…
the bar was located on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city, the man sat down, and told the bartender all his problems, how he had lost his job, his wife cheated on him, everything.
He drank for hours, almost until it was closing time.
There was another man who had been listening from across the bar, he came over and told him;
“You should try this drink they have, it’ll make you fly” Obviously, the guy didnt beleive him.
“No, I’m serious. Bartender, give me one of those special drinks.”
The bartender just shook his head, but handed him the drink, which he downed, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge of the building, flew around, and landed back at the bar.
The man was shocked. “Bartender! give me one of those drinks!”
The man downed the drink, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge and died.
the bartender shook his head and sighed; “Youre a d*ck Superman.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
A man had the worst day of his life, so he decided to go to the new bar…
the bar was located on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city, the man sat down, and told the bartender all his problems, how he had lost his job, his wife cheated on him, everything.
He drank for hours, almost until it was closing time.
There was another man who had been listening from across the bar, he came over and told him;
“You should try this drink they have, it’ll make you fly” Obviously, the guy didnt beleive him.
“No, I’m serious. Bartender, give me one of those special drinks.”
The bartender just shook his head, but handed him the drink, which he downed, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge of the building, flew around, and landed back at the bar.
The man was shocked. “Bartender! give me one of those drinks!”
The man downed the drink, ran across the floor, jumped over the edge and died.
the bartender shook his head and sighed; “Youre a d*ck Superman.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
23.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
24.
John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other.
One night,a during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good.
“Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window.
“Your not heading for any trouble, are you?”
“No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”
A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house.
“Hey!” John screamed out his window.
“I thought you were heading to a lecture?!”
The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside.
Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
First check up with his new Doctor
John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other.
One night,a during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good.
“Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window.
“Your not heading for any trouble, are you?”
“No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”
A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house.
“Hey!” John screamed out his window.
“I thought you were heading to a lecture?!”
The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside.
Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
First check up with his new Doctor
25.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
26.
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
27.
A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar
A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar
28.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant about four months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside.
About five minutes passed before the mother said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
Three old men are talking about
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant about four months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside.
About five minutes passed before the mother said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
Three old men are talking about
29.
A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
30.
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
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eng jokes