1.
A guy dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone.
The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
He asked the madame
A woman meets with her lover
A guy dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone.
The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
He asked the madame
A woman meets with her lover
2.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
3.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Two old women are discussing
The doctor said to the elderly man
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Two old women are discussing
The doctor said to the elderly man
4.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
Mommy has told her little girl
She told her mother
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
Mommy has told her little girl
She told her mother
5.
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
6.
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
7.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
8.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
9.
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
10.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
11.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
12.
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
13.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
14.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
15.
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
16.
A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.
“One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor.
“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”
“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”
The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was sitting alone in his office
A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.
“One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor.
“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”
“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”
The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was sitting alone in his office
17.
A man dreams that he is a chicken.
He walks around the farm and is quite happy pecking on some corn.
Suddenly he feels a big pressure in his stomach.
He asks the other chickens what it could be and he is told that this is quite normal.
He just has to push and out will come an egg.
So he does that. But even though the egg is out, he still feels a strong pressure.
So he asks the other chickens and they say that he has to push some more; that sometimes, chickens lay more than one egg.
So he keeps on pushing and laying one egg after the other.
Suddenly he feels the whole world shaking like in an earthquake.
Out of the sky comes a booming voice of his wife:
“WTF! Wake up!!! You p@ped all over the bed!!!”
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Wife sends a text message to her husband
A man dreams that he is a chicken.
He walks around the farm and is quite happy pecking on some corn.
Suddenly he feels a big pressure in his stomach.
He asks the other chickens what it could be and he is told that this is quite normal.
He just has to push and out will come an egg.
So he does that. But even though the egg is out, he still feels a strong pressure.
So he asks the other chickens and they say that he has to push some more; that sometimes, chickens lay more than one egg.
So he keeps on pushing and laying one egg after the other.
Suddenly he feels the whole world shaking like in an earthquake.
Out of the sky comes a booming voice of his wife:
“WTF! Wake up!!! You p@ped all over the bed!!!”
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Wife sends a text message to her husband
18.
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
19.
A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely
“I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me” He said, sobbing to the bartender..
“My wife’s been sleeping with someone else.” He explained.
The bartender, in shock replied “I wont kill you.
If I were you, I’d kill the guy who make love my wife.”
“Fine.” The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender
“Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?”
The bartender, confused, asked “And why would I do that?”
The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face “I make love your wife
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A flat-chested young lady
A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely
“I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me” He said, sobbing to the bartender..
“My wife’s been sleeping with someone else.” He explained.
The bartender, in shock replied “I wont kill you.
If I were you, I’d kill the guy who make love my wife.”
“Fine.” The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender
“Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?”
The bartender, confused, asked “And why would I do that?”
The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face “I make love your wife
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A flat-chested young lady
20.
A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time….
It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story.
The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on.
“Well…” said the lady ” My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker.
“Wow such a diverse group of occupations!” said the reporter.
“How do you explain it?” “Well…” said the lady, ” one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go.”
A man calls his house
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time….
It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story.
The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on.
“Well…” said the lady ” My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker.
“Wow such a diverse group of occupations!” said the reporter.
“How do you explain it?” “Well…” said the lady, ” one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go.”
A man calls his house
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
21.
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
22.
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
23.
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.
The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.
At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:
“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.
The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.
At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:
“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
24.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”
The bartender says, “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!”
So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.
He comes back half an hour later and says, “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical.
She says, “I just saw you walk in here you can’t be blind!”
So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.
The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”
The bartender says, “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!”
So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.
He comes back half an hour later and says, “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical.
She says, “I just saw you walk in here you can’t be blind!”
So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.
The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
A nurse at hospital received a call
25.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
Drunkard Mick & Paddy
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
Drunkard Mick & Paddy
26.
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
27.
A baker wanted to get to know a great guru in his town a little better, so he invited him to dinner.
The day before, the guru went to the bakery disguised as a beggar, picked a bread roll off the display and began to eat it.
The baker saw this and tossed him out into the street.
The following day, the guru and a disciple went to the baker’s house and were treated to a splendid banquet.
In the middle of the meal, the disciple asked, How does one tell a good man from a bad man?
Just look at this baker
He is capable of spending ten gold pieces on a banquet because I am famous, but is incapable of giving a piece of bread to feed a hungry beggar.
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
A baker wanted to get to know a great guru in his town a little better, so he invited him to dinner.
The day before, the guru went to the bakery disguised as a beggar, picked a bread roll off the display and began to eat it.
The baker saw this and tossed him out into the street.
The following day, the guru and a disciple went to the baker’s house and were treated to a splendid banquet.
In the middle of the meal, the disciple asked, How does one tell a good man from a bad man?
Just look at this baker
He is capable of spending ten gold pieces on a banquet because I am famous, but is incapable of giving a piece of bread to feed a hungry beggar.
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
28.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
29.
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
30.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
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eng jokes