1.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
2.
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
3.
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
4.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
5.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
6.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
7.
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
8.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
9.
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
10.
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
📚 Recommended Posts
Funniest One Liners Quick Laughs ForWitty And Funny Quotes That Hit Right
A Couple Went On Vacation Funny Jokes 06
Never Ending Laughs Jokes That Always
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
11.
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
12.
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
13.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
14.
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
15.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
16.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
17.
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A man and his wife were at odds
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A man and his wife were at odds
18.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
19.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
20.
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
📚 Recommended Posts
Funniest One Liners Quick Laughs ForWitty And Funny Quotes That Hit Right
A Couple Went On Vacation Funny Jokes 06
Never Ending Laughs Jokes That Always
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
21.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
22.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
23.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
24.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
25.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
26.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
27.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
28.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
29.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
30.
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
Tags:
eng jokes