1.
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
2.
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?”
One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?”
Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”
“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher.
Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Johnny going to his first day of school
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?”
One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?”
Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”
“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher.
Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Johnny going to his first day of school
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
3.
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
4.
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
5.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
6.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
7.
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
that turns the waters into any substance of your choice
if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.
The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting “Sakeeee!!”
He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine.
The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming “Vodkaaaa!” as he lept in the air.
He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after.
The Filipino threw aside the banana he was eating and shouted “Lambanoggg!” as he somersaulted into the pool, landing in 5 feet of the best coconut wine.
The American threw his iphone aside and ran towards the pool but slipped on the banana peel before flailing into the pool screaming “Shittttt!”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
that turns the waters into any substance of your choice
if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.
The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting “Sakeeee!!”
He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine.
The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming “Vodkaaaa!” as he lept in the air.
He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after.
The Filipino threw aside the banana he was eating and shouted “Lambanoggg!” as he somersaulted into the pool, landing in 5 feet of the best coconut wine.
The American threw his iphone aside and ran towards the pool but slipped on the banana peel before flailing into the pool screaming “Shittttt!”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
8.
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
9.
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
10.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
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11.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
12.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
13.
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
14.
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
15.
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
16.
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche, leaving his parents in shock.
“Where did you get that car?!” they yelled.
“I bought it,” the boy replied calmly.
“With what money?” his parents demanded. “We know what a Porsche costs!”
“This one was just $15,” he said, shrugging.
His parents were baffled. “Who sells a Porsche for $15!?”
“The lady up the street,” the boy explained.
“She said I could have it for $15 when I rode by on my bike.”
Panicked, the mother exclaimed, “She must be out of her mind! John, go figure this out!”
The father marched to the woman’s house, finding her peacefully gardening.
He demanded to know why she sold the car for $15.
With a smirk, she said, “My husband called from Hawaii. Turns out, he ran off with his secretary, and she cleaned him out. Broke and stranded, he begged me to sell his Porsche and send him the money… So, I did exactly what he asked.”
A famous doctor was being interviewed
There were two men at a bar
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche, leaving his parents in shock.
“Where did you get that car?!” they yelled.
“I bought it,” the boy replied calmly.
“With what money?” his parents demanded. “We know what a Porsche costs!”
“This one was just $15,” he said, shrugging.
His parents were baffled. “Who sells a Porsche for $15!?”
“The lady up the street,” the boy explained.
“She said I could have it for $15 when I rode by on my bike.”
Panicked, the mother exclaimed, “She must be out of her mind! John, go figure this out!”
The father marched to the woman’s house, finding her peacefully gardening.
He demanded to know why she sold the car for $15.
With a smirk, she said, “My husband called from Hawaii. Turns out, he ran off with his secretary, and she cleaned him out. Broke and stranded, he begged me to sell his Porsche and send him the money… So, I did exactly what he asked.”
A famous doctor was being interviewed
There were two men at a bar
17.
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic:
hair and makeup done by a professional,
Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,”she tells the doctor, “
…but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor.
“Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Funny Psychiatrists
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic:
hair and makeup done by a professional,
Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,”she tells the doctor, “
…but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor.
“Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Funny Psychiatrists
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
18.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
19.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
20.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
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21.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
22.
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
23.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
24.
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, “my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Two men are in a doctor office
Two small boys
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, “my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Two men are in a doctor office
Two small boys
25.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
26.
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
27.
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
28.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a protection, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A protection. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of protections.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of protection she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
A man in a pub asks for a beer
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a protection, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A protection. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of protections.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of protection she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
A man in a pub asks for a beer
29.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
30.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
Tags:
eng jokes