1.
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
2.
A city kid went to his grandpa farm for the weekend.
He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.
Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.
He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.
When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.
At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,
“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
A city kid went to his grandpa farm for the weekend.
He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.
Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.
He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.
When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.
At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,
“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
3.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
4.
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
5.
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
6.
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
7.
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
8.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily.
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Two boys are playing football
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily.
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Two boys are playing football
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
9.
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
10.
A man and his dog walk into a bar.
The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Two young men were out in the woods
Two Irishmen were talking
A man and his dog walk into a bar.
The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Two young men were out in the woods
Two Irishmen were talking
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11.
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
12.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
13.
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
14.
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
15.
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her melons in the mirror.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the melons of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old bum?”
She replies, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”
A Girl Scout troop leader
Mr. john goes to the doctor
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her melons in the mirror.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the melons of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old bum?”
She replies, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”
A Girl Scout troop leader
Mr. john goes to the doctor
16.
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
17.
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
18.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
19.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
20.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
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21.
Two beggars live in a forest, near a city.
Naturally they are enemies, because they are in the same profession and in competition.
One is blind and one is lame and they are always quarreling about their clients.
You don’t know what beggars say about you they have their clients, they have their territories.
Beggars are continuously fighting there is great struggle and competition.
And those two beggars had been enemies for years, but one day the forest caught fire.
The blind man was perfectly able to walk and run, but it was dangerous.
He could not see whether he was going in the right direction, where there was no fire, or whether he was running through the fire towards more.
The lame man could not run on his own.
And the fire was spreading so fast and the winds were so strong, but he could see that there was still a possibility to get out.
There were a few places where the fire had not reached yet, but soon it would be reaching there.
Soon, they would be covered by fire from all over the place, they both forgot all their antagonism, competition.
This was not the time to fight, this was a time to unite.
And the blind man took upon his shoulders the lame man, and they became one personality.
Now they had eyes and they had legs, both.
The lame man could see, and direct where they had to run, and fast – and which directions had to be avoided.
And the blind man was strong enough to run, carrying the lame man on his shoulders.
They came out of the forest without being injured.
This ancient story is about your mind and your heart.
Your heart can see, but cannot say.
Your mind can say, but cannot see.
If you are capable of bringing your heart and mind closer, your love and logic closer, your experience and expression closer, perhaps mind can also say something significant.
It may not be complete, it may not be an entire expression, but it may be an indication in the right direction.
It may be a finger pointing to the moon.
It may not be the moon, but it can indicate towards the moon.
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A Priest & A Lawyer
Two beggars live in a forest, near a city.
Naturally they are enemies, because they are in the same profession and in competition.
One is blind and one is lame and they are always quarreling about their clients.
You don’t know what beggars say about you they have their clients, they have their territories.
Beggars are continuously fighting there is great struggle and competition.
And those two beggars had been enemies for years, but one day the forest caught fire.
The blind man was perfectly able to walk and run, but it was dangerous.
He could not see whether he was going in the right direction, where there was no fire, or whether he was running through the fire towards more.
The lame man could not run on his own.
And the fire was spreading so fast and the winds were so strong, but he could see that there was still a possibility to get out.
There were a few places where the fire had not reached yet, but soon it would be reaching there.
Soon, they would be covered by fire from all over the place, they both forgot all their antagonism, competition.
This was not the time to fight, this was a time to unite.
And the blind man took upon his shoulders the lame man, and they became one personality.
Now they had eyes and they had legs, both.
The lame man could see, and direct where they had to run, and fast – and which directions had to be avoided.
And the blind man was strong enough to run, carrying the lame man on his shoulders.
They came out of the forest without being injured.
This ancient story is about your mind and your heart.
Your heart can see, but cannot say.
Your mind can say, but cannot see.
If you are capable of bringing your heart and mind closer, your love and logic closer, your experience and expression closer, perhaps mind can also say something significant.
It may not be complete, it may not be an entire expression, but it may be an indication in the right direction.
It may be a finger pointing to the moon.
It may not be the moon, but it can indicate towards the moon.
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A Priest & A Lawyer
22.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
23.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
24.
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank! …
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses,
he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
“Did you see me rob this Bank?”
The customer replies ….. “YES”
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!…
SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman:
“DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????”
The woman calmly responds.
“No … but MY HUSBAND DID!”
A man and a woman, who had never met before
A young man went to his grandfather
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank! …
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses,
he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
“Did you see me rob this Bank?”
The customer replies ….. “YES”
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!…
SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman:
“DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????”
The woman calmly responds.
“No … but MY HUSBAND DID!”
A man and a woman, who had never met before
A young man went to his grandfather
25.
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling,
“You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
The brand new blonde waitress
God asks the nun
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling,
“You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
The brand new blonde waitress
God asks the nun
26.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
27.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A affair with his secretary
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
28.
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
29.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
Two men are having golf
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
Two men are having golf
30.
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
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eng jokes