1.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
2.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
3.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
4.
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
5.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
6.
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
7.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
A man and a woman were having drinks
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
A man and a woman were having drinks
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
8.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
9.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
10.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
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11.
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
12.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
13.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
14.
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
15.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
16.
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
17.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is make love?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
“Why did you ask this question?”
Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, “Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
Men at interview
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is make love?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
“Why did you ask this question?”
Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, “Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
Men at interview
18.
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known
“happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
“We had been to Bora Bora for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said
“This is your first time”.
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.
After a while, it happened again.
This time she again kept calm and said
“This is your second time” and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time,
she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at my wife:
“What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” …
She gave a silent look and said:
“This is your first time
Husband: “That’s it. We are happy ever after.”
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
Clever Guest & Super Computer
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known
“happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
“We had been to Bora Bora for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said
“This is your first time”.
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.
After a while, it happened again.
This time she again kept calm and said
“This is your second time” and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time,
she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at my wife:
“What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” …
She gave a silent look and said:
“This is your first time
Husband: “That’s it. We are happy ever after.”
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
Clever Guest & Super Computer
19.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
20.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
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21.
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
22.
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
23.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
24.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over-sized weapon’s.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file.
“Your father’s the reason for your elongated weapon’s?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have weapons!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit,
“But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
There is a girl walking up the stairs
One day a man decides he wants
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over-sized weapon’s.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file.
“Your father’s the reason for your elongated weapon’s?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have weapons!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit,
“But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
There is a girl walking up the stairs
One day a man decides he wants
25.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
26.
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
27.
A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says,
“Honey just look at me.
My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and melons are sagging.
I could really use a complement right about now.”
The husband replied, “You have really good eye sight!”
A old man and old woman got married
Their 50th wedding anniversary
A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says,
“Honey just look at me.
My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and melons are sagging.
I could really use a complement right about now.”
The husband replied, “You have really good eye sight!”
A old man and old woman got married
Their 50th wedding anniversary
28.
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
29.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
30.
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
Tags:
eng jokes