1.
A husband and wife got into a spat.
So the wife called up her mom and said,
“He argued with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you”.
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A husband and wife got into a spat.
So the wife called up her mom and said,
“He argued with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you”.
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
2.
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
3.
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
4.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky
That’s his third bear this week.”
A little turtle
A beautiful parrot
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky
That’s his third bear this week.”
A little turtle
A beautiful parrot
5.
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
A man and a friend are playing golf
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
A man and a friend are playing golf
6.
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
7.
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
8.
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.
The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder,
“Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart,
“I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
The town champion went to the Zen master
The stud rooster
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.
The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder,
“Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart,
“I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
The town champion went to the Zen master
The stud rooster
9.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
10.
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
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11.
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
12.
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
13.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
14.
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
15.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
16.
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
17.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
18.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
19.
A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus.
She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again.
Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck.
She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
Paddy and Murphy are working
A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus.
She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again.
Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck.
She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
Paddy and Murphy are working
20.
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
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21.
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
22.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
23.
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
24.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
25.
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
26.
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
27.
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
28.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing Jerry would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos, midnight – brilliant eh?)
The next morning Jerry asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘midnight’…
He didn’t seem pissed off in the least whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t’.
It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
She was standing on the sidewalk
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing Jerry would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos, midnight – brilliant eh?)
The next morning Jerry asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘midnight’…
He didn’t seem pissed off in the least whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t’.
It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
She was standing on the sidewalk
29.
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large:
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy?
Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband exclaims to his wife
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large:
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy?
Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband exclaims to his wife
30.
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
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eng jokes