1.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
2.
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
3.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
4.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
5.
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
6.
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
7.
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
8.
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
9.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
10.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
11.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
12.
Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
“You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”.
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
“You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”.
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
13.
A new bar manager at a country in found two of his elderly regulars waiting on the doorstep at opening time.
“Good morning,” they said, ordering a pint of beer.
But as they stood at the bar, their faces fell.
“Where’s the snuff?” they asked.
“Snuff?” queried the bar manager.
They said: “Your predecessor always used to leave snuff on the bar in a big blue saucer for his most important customers. And that’s us, because we’re here every lunchtime, 365 days a year,”
“Well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it,” explained the bar manager by way of apology, “but rest assured, there will be snuff on the bar for you tomorrow lunchtime. We always look after our customers.”
The manager was so busy settling into his new post and getting to know the staff and regulars that he completely forgot about the snuff until he saw the two old men slowly walking up the lane the following lunchtime.
He hurriedly put the big blue saucer on the bar and searched in the back room for the snuff.
He rummaged through every cupboard in the place, but to no avail.
Then he remembered that surplus stock was sometimes kept in an old building in the yard.
So he looked there, too, but still had no luck.
On his way back across the yard, he spotted a dried up piece of dog poop in his path.
In frustration, he kicked out at it and it crumbled into dozens of tiny pieces as it splattered against the wall.
This gave him an idea.
He dashed back into the pub, grabbed the blue saucer and, using a piece of paper towel, he picked up the remains of the poop and crumbled it into the saucer.
He then went back into the pub and put the saucer on the bar just as his two old regulars entered.
A country guy in a bar
The bartender asked a guy
A new bar manager at a country in found two of his elderly regulars waiting on the doorstep at opening time.
“Good morning,” they said, ordering a pint of beer.
But as they stood at the bar, their faces fell.
“Where’s the snuff?” they asked.
“Snuff?” queried the bar manager.
They said: “Your predecessor always used to leave snuff on the bar in a big blue saucer for his most important customers. And that’s us, because we’re here every lunchtime, 365 days a year,”
“Well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it,” explained the bar manager by way of apology, “but rest assured, there will be snuff on the bar for you tomorrow lunchtime. We always look after our customers.”
The manager was so busy settling into his new post and getting to know the staff and regulars that he completely forgot about the snuff until he saw the two old men slowly walking up the lane the following lunchtime.
He hurriedly put the big blue saucer on the bar and searched in the back room for the snuff.
He rummaged through every cupboard in the place, but to no avail.
Then he remembered that surplus stock was sometimes kept in an old building in the yard.
So he looked there, too, but still had no luck.
On his way back across the yard, he spotted a dried up piece of dog poop in his path.
In frustration, he kicked out at it and it crumbled into dozens of tiny pieces as it splattered against the wall.
This gave him an idea.
He dashed back into the pub, grabbed the blue saucer and, using a piece of paper towel, he picked up the remains of the poop and crumbled it into the saucer.
He then went back into the pub and put the saucer on the bar just as his two old regulars entered.
A country guy in a bar
The bartender asked a guy
14.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A woman from New York was driving
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A woman from New York was driving
15.
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
16.
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
17.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
18.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
19.
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
20.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
21.
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
22.
A young man was watching the news when the reporter switched to the traffic.
“A car is driving in the wrong direction along Interstate 45, be careful if you must drive on that road.”
The young man remembers that his grandmother is driving that way and calls her up to warn her.
“Hey, Grandma, there’s a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 45. Be careful!”
His grandmother replies, “No kidding, there are hundreds of them!”
A blonde woman walks into bank
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
A young man was watching the news when the reporter switched to the traffic.
“A car is driving in the wrong direction along Interstate 45, be careful if you must drive on that road.”
The young man remembers that his grandmother is driving that way and calls her up to warn her.
“Hey, Grandma, there’s a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 45. Be careful!”
His grandmother replies, “No kidding, there are hundreds of them!”
A blonde woman walks into bank
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
23.
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
A lady was walking down the street
A blonde was so upset
24.
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
Two guys were playing golf.
On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.
Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.
Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.
All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.
She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.
She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”
*POOF* She disappeared.
Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!
Bob! Come over here here quick!”
Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”
Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”
Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”
Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”
A judge was interviewing a lady
A man asked his wife
25.
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
26.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
27.
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
28.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
29.
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
30.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy make love with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!” The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Why do you want to talk to me
A man escapes from prison
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy make love with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!” The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Why do you want to talk to me
A man escapes from prison
Tags:
eng jokes