1.
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
2.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
3.
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
4.
They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they’re pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie’s lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
“Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?” the Irishman pleads.
“I’d love ta, but this old genie’s barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully.”
Quickly, one of the men calls out, “I wish the ocean’d turn ta Guinness!”
“Consider it done.” The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, “Ya flocking’ idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!”
On Christmas Eve
A rancher was minding his own business
They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they’re pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie’s lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
“Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?” the Irishman pleads.
“I’d love ta, but this old genie’s barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully.”
Quickly, one of the men calls out, “I wish the ocean’d turn ta Guinness!”
“Consider it done.” The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, “Ya flocking’ idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!”
On Christmas Eve
A rancher was minding his own business
5.
Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section.
When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
“Can I help you?” she asks.
“Well I don’t know” the man responds,
“I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
A professor of chemistry
She was a little bit apprehensive
Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section.
When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
“Can I help you?” she asks.
“Well I don’t know” the man responds,
“I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
A professor of chemistry
She was a little bit apprehensive
6.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
7.
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help.
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
“Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then goes to his sister’s room.
“Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father.
“Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home
A old man his annual checkup
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help.
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
“Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then goes to his sister’s room.
“Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father.
“Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home
A old man his annual checkup
8.
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
9.
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
10.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
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11.
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
12.
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
13.
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
14.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work
15.
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
16.
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
17.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
18.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
19.
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
20.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds
What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
he lawyer looked puzzled
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
The rain was pouring
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds
What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
he lawyer looked puzzled
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
The rain was pouring
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
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21.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”
Marry was truly a religious woman
Jim first time leaving Europe
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”
Marry was truly a religious woman
Jim first time leaving Europe
22.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
23.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
24.
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
25.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
26.
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
27.
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
28.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
29.
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
30.
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
Tags:
eng jokes