1.
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
2.
A squirrel joined the service of the King of the Forest, the lion.
He did whatever work was given him, quickly and well
The lion became fond of him and promised to give him a cartload of almonds as pension when he retired.
The squirrel envied the other squirrels in the forest because of their carefree life.
He longed to run up and down trees and leap from branch to branch like them but he could not leave the king’s side and even if he could he had to move with courtly dignity.
He consoled himself with the thought that at the end of his career, he would receive a cartload of almonds, a food that few squirrels got to taste in their lifetime.
“They will envy me then,” he would tell himself.
The years passed
The squirrel became old and then it was time for him to retire.
The king gave a grand banquet in his honor and at the end of it, presented him with a cartload of almonds as he had promised.
The squirrel had waited so long for this day but when he saw the almonds, he was seized with sadness.
He realized they were of no use to him now
He had lost all his teeth.
A Old Lady Writes To God
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
A squirrel joined the service of the King of the Forest, the lion.
He did whatever work was given him, quickly and well
The lion became fond of him and promised to give him a cartload of almonds as pension when he retired.
The squirrel envied the other squirrels in the forest because of their carefree life.
He longed to run up and down trees and leap from branch to branch like them but he could not leave the king’s side and even if he could he had to move with courtly dignity.
He consoled himself with the thought that at the end of his career, he would receive a cartload of almonds, a food that few squirrels got to taste in their lifetime.
“They will envy me then,” he would tell himself.
The years passed
The squirrel became old and then it was time for him to retire.
The king gave a grand banquet in his honor and at the end of it, presented him with a cartload of almonds as he had promised.
The squirrel had waited so long for this day but when he saw the almonds, he was seized with sadness.
He realized they were of no use to him now
He had lost all his teeth.
A Old Lady Writes To God
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
3.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting.
I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely.”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.”
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No
I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man who worked for the post office
A doctor entered the hospital
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting.
I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely.”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.”
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No
I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man who worked for the post office
A doctor entered the hospital
4.
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.”
“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.”
“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.”
“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.”
“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’”
“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”
Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
A mans car stalled on a country road
A student came up to a pretty girl
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.”
“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.”
“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.”
“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.”
“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’”
“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”
Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
A mans car stalled on a country road
A student came up to a pretty girl
5.
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
6.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
7.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
8.
So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A husband and wife got into a spat
So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A husband and wife got into a spat
9.
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
10.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
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11.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”
Lisa came up behind her husband
A couple is in bed sleeping
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”
Lisa came up behind her husband
A couple is in bed sleeping
12.
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
13.
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units.
There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.
One said, “I bet any minute now some smart alack will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”
Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whack a selling’?”
One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling bastard.”
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”
A man boards a flight
The nurse was walking down
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units.
There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.
One said, “I bet any minute now some smart alack will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”
Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whack a selling’?”
One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling bastard.”
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”
A man boards a flight
The nurse was walking down
14.
A very wise mother bought her young son a pet hamster for his birthday.
He had lots of fun with it and then one day it died.
He asked if he could bury it in the front garden, she said yes, but first suggested they make a “jam” from it, which they did.
About two weeks later a sunflower started growing over the grave so he quickly ran and told his mom to come and have a look.
She replied, “What did you expect?”
“Tulips from hamster jam?”
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde walks into an appliance store
A very wise mother bought her young son a pet hamster for his birthday.
He had lots of fun with it and then one day it died.
He asked if he could bury it in the front garden, she said yes, but first suggested they make a “jam” from it, which they did.
About two weeks later a sunflower started growing over the grave so he quickly ran and told his mom to come and have a look.
She replied, “What did you expect?”
“Tulips from hamster jam?”
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde walks into an appliance store
15.
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
16.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
17.
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
18.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
19.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
20.
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
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21.
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
22.
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
23.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
24.
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
25.
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
26.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”
The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”
The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A old man was sitting on a bus
A man walks into a bar and says
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”
The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”
The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A old man was sitting on a bus
A man walks into a bar and says
27.
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
28.
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
29.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
30.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
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eng jokes