1.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
2.
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units.
There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.
One said, “I bet any minute now some smart alack will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”
Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whack a selling’?”
One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling bastard.”
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”
A man boards a flight
The nurse was walking down
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units.
There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.
One said, “I bet any minute now some smart alack will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”
Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whack a selling’?”
One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling bastard.”
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”
A man boards a flight
The nurse was walking down
3.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
4.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
5.
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go.
The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car.
He says, “Alright guys we’re here!”
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn’t moved an inch, he asks the drunk, “What was that for?”
The drunk says, “Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!”
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go.
The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car.
He says, “Alright guys we’re here!”
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn’t moved an inch, he asks the drunk, “What was that for?”
The drunk says, “Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!”
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
6.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
7.
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
8.
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.
In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning a real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins.”
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.
In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning a real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins.”
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
9.
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
10.
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to bang people.”
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A teacher was working with a group of children
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to bang people.”
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A teacher was working with a group of children
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11.
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
12.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
13.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said,
“Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.
“It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said,
“Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.
“It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
14.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
15.
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local night house.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference’.
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says “You know, I think my girl was dead’. ”
Dead? says his friend, “Why do you say that?’
‘Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her’.
His friend says. ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch’.
‘A witch??….why the hell would you say that?’ ‘
Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window… took my teeth with her!’
Two medical students were walking
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local night house.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference’.
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says “You know, I think my girl was dead’. ”
Dead? says his friend, “Why do you say that?’
‘Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her’.
His friend says. ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch’.
‘A witch??….why the hell would you say that?’ ‘
Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window… took my teeth with her!’
Two medical students were walking
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
16.
A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.
“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded,
“Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.”
The vet replied calmly, “What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
A blonde is terribly overweight
A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.
“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded,
“Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.”
The vet replied calmly, “What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
A blonde is terribly overweight
17.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
18.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
19.
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub.
The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.
The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.
He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.
He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand.
So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.
In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.
When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.
He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.
When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.
He denied it but she said, “I know you were there…” he maintained his innocence until “…the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again….”
There are three girls at a bar
Two elderly excited women were sitting
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub.
The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.
The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.
He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.
He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand.
So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.
In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.
When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.
He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.
When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.
He denied it but she said, “I know you were there…” he maintained his innocence until “…the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again….”
There are three girls at a bar
Two elderly excited women were sitting
20.
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
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21.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
22.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
23.
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”
The angry wife met her husband
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”
The angry wife met her husband
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
24.
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
25.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
26.
There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her melons would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and the woman’s melons went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, “I’m sorry,” and her melons got one size bigger.
Then she’s walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, “Oh my god! A thousand apologies!”
This is a seed bank
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her melons would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and the woman’s melons went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, “I’m sorry,” and her melons got one size bigger.
Then she’s walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, “Oh my god! A thousand apologies!”
This is a seed bank
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
27.
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
28.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
29.
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
30.
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
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eng jokes