1.
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
2.
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
3.
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
4.
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
5.
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
“Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”
“Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your bum.”
“Okay,” says the guy.
He turns to his dog. “Okay fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”
“Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
“THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”
“Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”
“Ruff!”
“What the hell you trying’ to pull mister?”
“Okay, okay,” says the man.
“One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”
“Ruth.”
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him.
The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
“Geez. Maybe I should a said DiMaggio?”
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
A older man was driving down
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
“Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”
“Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your bum.”
“Okay,” says the guy.
He turns to his dog. “Okay fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”
“Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
“THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”
“Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”
“Ruff!”
“What the hell you trying’ to pull mister?”
“Okay, okay,” says the man.
“One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”
“Ruth.”
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him.
The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
“Geez. Maybe I should a said DiMaggio?”
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
A older man was driving down
6.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend
7.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner”?
The Pharmacist answers, “Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication”?
Pharmacist: “Of course we do”.
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation”?
Pharmacist: “All kinds”.
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism”?
Pharmacist: “Definitely”.
Jacob: “How about suppositories”?
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s”?
Pharmacist: “Yes. a large variety; the works”.
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease”?
Pharmacist: “Absolutely”.
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion”?
Pharmacist: “We sure do”.
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes”?
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”.
Jacob: ” Senior Citizen diapers?
Pharmacist: “Sure”.
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry”.
Frank and Jim are walking down
He passed his parent’s room
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner”?
The Pharmacist answers, “Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication”?
Pharmacist: “Of course we do”.
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation”?
Pharmacist: “All kinds”.
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism”?
Pharmacist: “Definitely”.
Jacob: “How about suppositories”?
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s”?
Pharmacist: “Yes. a large variety; the works”.
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease”?
Pharmacist: “Absolutely”.
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion”?
Pharmacist: “We sure do”.
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes”?
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”.
Jacob: ” Senior Citizen diapers?
Pharmacist: “Sure”.
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry”.
Frank and Jim are walking down
He passed his parent’s room
8.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
9.
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
10.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
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11.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underwear before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
Three drunkards were walking down
A man and a woman who never met before
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underwear before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
Three drunkards were walking down
A man and a woman who never met before
12.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
13.
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
14.
A man is sitting on a train across from a hot girl wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without undies.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquirers, “Are you looking at me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough she blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquirers what else the wonder this part can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as she winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked,
“Would you like to insert a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, the man replies, Can it whistle as well?”
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A man is sitting on a train across from a hot girl wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without undies.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquirers, “Are you looking at me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough she blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquirers what else the wonder this part can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as she winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked,
“Would you like to insert a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, the man replies, Can it whistle as well?”
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
15.
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
16.
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
17.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
18.
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
19.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
20.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
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21.
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
22.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
23.
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
24.
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked.
“Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked.
“Where were you when I got married last week?”
A man was crossing a road
Friendship
25.
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
26.
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
27.
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
28.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
29.
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
30.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
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eng jokes