1.
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
2.
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
3.
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
4.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
A man dive in a nearby lake
A old man is walking along the street
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
A man dive in a nearby lake
A old man is walking along the street
5.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
6.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
7.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
8.
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
9.
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
The 6th-grade science teacher
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
The 6th-grade science teacher
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
10.
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
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11.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead:
“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE,
MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
“Coz…” He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…..”
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead:
“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE,
MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
“Coz…” He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…..”
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
12.
After having won many archery contests, the town champion went to the Zen master.
I am the best of all, he said.
I didn’t study religion, never sought help from the monks, and succeeded in becoming the finest archer in the whole region.
I heard that, for a time, you were the best archer in the region, and ask you: Was it necessary to become a monk in order to learn to shoot?
No, replied the Zen master.
But the champion was not satisfied: He took an arrow, placed it in the bow, fired it and hit a cherry which was very far away.
Smiling, as if to say: “You might have saved your time, devoting yourself only to technique.” And he said:
I doubt whether you could do that without looking in the least bit worried, the master went inside, fetched his bow, and began to walk towards a nearby mountain.
On the way, there was an abyss which could only be crossed by an old bridge made of rotting rope, and which was almost collapsing.
The Zen master went to the middle of the bridge, took his bow and placed an arrow in it, then aimed at a tree on the far side of the precipice, and hit his target.
Now it is your turn.
He kindly told the young man, as he returned to firm ground.
Terrified as he gazed down at the abyss below his feet, the young man went to the spot and fired, but his arrow veered wide of the mark.
That is why the discipline of meditation was worthwhile concluded the master, when the young man returned to him.
“You may have great skill with the instrument you choose for your livelihood, but it us useless, if you cannot command the mind which uses that instrument.”
Here I was sitting at the bar
A lady goes into the butcher shop
After having won many archery contests, the town champion went to the Zen master.
I am the best of all, he said.
I didn’t study religion, never sought help from the monks, and succeeded in becoming the finest archer in the whole region.
I heard that, for a time, you were the best archer in the region, and ask you: Was it necessary to become a monk in order to learn to shoot?
No, replied the Zen master.
But the champion was not satisfied: He took an arrow, placed it in the bow, fired it and hit a cherry which was very far away.
Smiling, as if to say: “You might have saved your time, devoting yourself only to technique.” And he said:
I doubt whether you could do that without looking in the least bit worried, the master went inside, fetched his bow, and began to walk towards a nearby mountain.
On the way, there was an abyss which could only be crossed by an old bridge made of rotting rope, and which was almost collapsing.
The Zen master went to the middle of the bridge, took his bow and placed an arrow in it, then aimed at a tree on the far side of the precipice, and hit his target.
Now it is your turn.
He kindly told the young man, as he returned to firm ground.
Terrified as he gazed down at the abyss below his feet, the young man went to the spot and fired, but his arrow veered wide of the mark.
That is why the discipline of meditation was worthwhile concluded the master, when the young man returned to him.
“You may have great skill with the instrument you choose for your livelihood, but it us useless, if you cannot command the mind which uses that instrument.”
Here I was sitting at the bar
A lady goes into the butcher shop
13.
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
14.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
15.
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me rubber pack please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”
The Pharmacist gives him the rubber pack but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another rubber pack because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”
The Pharmacist gives him another rubber pack and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in.
Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”
A young man excitedly tells his mother
Johnny runs to his dad and says
16.
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
17.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
18.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
19.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
A older man and young girlfriend
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
20.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
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21.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
He rubs it and a genie emerges
22.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
23.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
24.
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
25.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
26.
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
27.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
28.
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
29.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”
“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A guy has been asking girl
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”
“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A guy has been asking girl
30.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
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