1.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
2.
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
3.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
4.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
5.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
6.
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.
“But all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.
“But all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
7.
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
8.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
9.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
10.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
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11.
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
12.
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”
“Silly goose!” she said.
She spread her legs wide for him to see. “See? No teeth!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that.
A little boy and his grandfather
A couple were driving home
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”
“Silly goose!” she said.
She spread her legs wide for him to see. “See? No teeth!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that.
A little boy and his grandfather
A couple were driving home
13.
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
14.
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
15.
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
16.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
17.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
18.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
19.
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv
20.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
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21.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
22.
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
23.
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
24.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
25.
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
26.
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
27.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
28.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
29.
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
30.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
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eng jokes