1.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
2.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
3.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
4.
Two guys walking through the woods come upon a railroad trestle.
They peer over the edge and cannot see the bottom at all.
One of the two grabs a rock and throws it off the side.
As they both listen – they hear nothing. In shock at how deep it is – they go find an even bigger rock and toss it off the edge.
Same result. Nada. Nothing. No sound
They find a huge boulder and it takes both of them to drag it to the edge and push it over.
Same result again.
A few seconds later there is a noise coming from the woods and a goat is running full speed – then jumps off the trestle and disappears into the abyss.
In utter disbelief in what happened – a man approaches and asks of the two guys have seen a goat. They start laughing and tell the man about what they saw.
He said – no way – he was tied to a huge boulder
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
Two guys walking through the woods come upon a railroad trestle.
They peer over the edge and cannot see the bottom at all.
One of the two grabs a rock and throws it off the side.
As they both listen – they hear nothing. In shock at how deep it is – they go find an even bigger rock and toss it off the edge.
Same result. Nada. Nothing. No sound
They find a huge boulder and it takes both of them to drag it to the edge and push it over.
Same result again.
A few seconds later there is a noise coming from the woods and a goat is running full speed – then jumps off the trestle and disappears into the abyss.
In utter disbelief in what happened – a man approaches and asks of the two guys have seen a goat. They start laughing and tell the man about what they saw.
He said – no way – he was tied to a huge boulder
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
5.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
6.
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
7.
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
8.
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
9.
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
10.
A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money.
The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.”
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well,” the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
A old lady in a nursing home
A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money.
The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.”
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well,” the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
A old lady in a nursing home
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11.
His new girlfriend demanded that she should live in Jack’s and Emma’s luxurious house, and since Jack’s lawyers were of a higher calibre, he received the house in the divorce.
He gave his ex-wife Emma 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home Including the curtain rods.
I think my wife is having a affair
The man came to his pastor
His new girlfriend demanded that she should live in Jack’s and Emma’s luxurious house, and since Jack’s lawyers were of a higher calibre, he received the house in the divorce.
He gave his ex-wife Emma 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home Including the curtain rods.
I think my wife is having a affair
The man came to his pastor
12.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
13.
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
14.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
15.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
16.
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
17.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
18.
Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.
“Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails,” the first woman explains.
“My husband had the same habit,” the second woman explained
“but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth.”
A maid asks the lady of the house
A young man was walking through a supermarket
Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.
“Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails,” the first woman explains.
“My husband had the same habit,” the second woman explained
“but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth.”
A maid asks the lady of the house
A young man was walking through a supermarket
19.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
20.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
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21.
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
22.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life
23.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
24.
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
25.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
26.
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.
He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked,
“Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”
The man indeed had a job for the boy to do
He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush.
“Paint my porch.”
The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.
A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.
“Okay, mister, I’m done painting but I gotta tell ya, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lamborghini.”
The detective walks around the scene
A pastor
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.
He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked,
“Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”
The man indeed had a job for the boy to do
He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush.
“Paint my porch.”
The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.
A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.
“Okay, mister, I’m done painting but I gotta tell ya, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lamborghini.”
The detective walks around the scene
A pastor
27.
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
28.
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
29.
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
30.
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
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eng jokes