1.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
2.
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
3.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
4.
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
5.
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
6.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
7.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care.”
“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care.”
“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A man and his wife went to a doctor
8.
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
9.
A little boy once put his hand into a jar.
The jar was full of nuts.
He tried to take out as many as his hand could hold.
But when he tried to pull his hand out, it was too large for the narrow neck of the jar.
The boy don’t want to lose his nuts.
The little boy started to cry.
His mother saw the little boy standing close by, and told him something wise.
“Be happy with half as many, and you will get them easily.”
A Priest was being honored
A teacher from Primary School
A little boy once put his hand into a jar.
The jar was full of nuts.
He tried to take out as many as his hand could hold.
But when he tried to pull his hand out, it was too large for the narrow neck of the jar.
The boy don’t want to lose his nuts.
The little boy started to cry.
His mother saw the little boy standing close by, and told him something wise.
“Be happy with half as many, and you will get them easily.”
A Priest was being honored
A teacher from Primary School
10.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
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11.
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
12.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
13.
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
14.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
15.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
16.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
17.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
18.
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
19.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
20.
A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an nerve with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
“OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband.”
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
“Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
Cos, I couldn’t get an nerve either.”
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A man walked into a bar
A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an nerve with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
“OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband.”
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
“Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
Cos, I couldn’t get an nerve either.”
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A man walked into a bar
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21.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
22.
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
23.
The little housewife was having her TV repaired.
The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:
When he’d finished she paid him and said.
“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”
The repairman could hardly speak.
“Yes! Yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”
“Yes; yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
Three elderly men are at the doctor
A dad walks into a market with son
The little housewife was having her TV repaired.
The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:
When he’d finished she paid him and said.
“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”
The repairman could hardly speak.
“Yes! Yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”
“Yes; yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
Three elderly men are at the doctor
A dad walks into a market with son
24.
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
25.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
26.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
27.
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
28.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
29.
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
30.
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room.
They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before.
Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate a tale.
He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages.
He described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his hearers were deeply impressed.
He reached the point in his account where only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
“And then,” he concluded, “a vast wave came hurtling down on us it was so huge that it shut out all the sky.
It crashed over the already sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force under that dreadful blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were drowned.”
The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence but presently someone asked:
“And you what became of you?”
“Oh, I,” was the reply, “why I was drowned with the rest of them.”
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room.
They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before.
Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate a tale.
He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages.
He described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his hearers were deeply impressed.
He reached the point in his account where only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
“And then,” he concluded, “a vast wave came hurtling down on us it was so huge that it shut out all the sky.
It crashed over the already sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force under that dreadful blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were drowned.”
The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence but presently someone asked:
“And you what became of you?”
“Oh, I,” was the reply, “why I was drowned with the rest of them.”
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
The waitress says “I’m sorry
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eng jokes