1.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
2.
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
3.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
4.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
5.
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
6.
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly.
“Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
A pickup truck full of penguins
A man and his dog walk
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly.
“Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
A pickup truck full of penguins
A man and his dog walk
7.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
8.
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender’s face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said.
“My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they come.”
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.”
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he spluttered.
“On the contrary,” the man said,” he’s done me a world of good.”
“But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.
“Yes” the man said. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
A guy walked into a bar and asked
Two elderly women were trying on shoes
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender’s face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said.
“My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they come.”
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.”
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he spluttered.
“On the contrary,” the man said,” he’s done me a world of good.”
“But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.
“Yes” the man said. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
A guy walked into a bar and asked
Two elderly women were trying on shoes
9.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:
Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied: Of course, how much was the roast?
“$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Little Willie came home in a sad
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:
Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied: Of course, how much was the roast?
“$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Little Willie came home in a sad
10.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar
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11.
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?”
The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”
“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”
“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ’66. How ’bout you?”
“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ’66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”
“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”
“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”
“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”
“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this . . .”
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing?”
Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that’s just plain amazing.”
A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What’s new?”
Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again.”
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
Bill told his friend Doug
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?”
The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”
“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”
“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ’66. How ’bout you?”
“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ’66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”
“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”
“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”
“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”
“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this . . .”
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing?”
Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that’s just plain amazing.”
A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What’s new?”
Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again.”
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
Bill told his friend Doug
12.
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
13.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
14.
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
15.
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
16.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
17.
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
18.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant about four months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside.
About five minutes passed before the mother said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
Three old men are talking about
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant about four months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside.
About five minutes passed before the mother said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
Three old men are talking about
19.
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
20.
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up
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21.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
22.
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
23.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
24.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Stacy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and punk clothes.
Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad.
She’s pregnant Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter we share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad.
I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Joshua P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it’s safe for me to come home!
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
A man eating grass by the roadside
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Stacy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and punk clothes.
Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad.
She’s pregnant Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter we share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad.
I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Joshua P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it’s safe for me to come home!
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
A man eating grass by the roadside
25.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
26.
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
27.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
28.
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
29.
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two lawyers were out hunting
The captain realized his ship was sinking
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two lawyers were out hunting
The captain realized his ship was sinking
30.
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
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eng jokes