1.
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
2.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
3.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
4.
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
5.
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?”
His customer answers in a slurred voice, “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weapon.”
“Oh come on,” replies the bartender.
The customer then says, “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says, “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says, “You idiot, that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, “Oh no, I must have smoked it!”
A man and woman were discussing
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?”
His customer answers in a slurred voice, “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weapon.”
“Oh come on,” replies the bartender.
The customer then says, “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says, “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says, “You idiot, that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, “Oh no, I must have smoked it!”
A man and woman were discussing
A English teacher spent a lot of time
6.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
7.
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
8.
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
9.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
10.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
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11.
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
12.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
13.
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
14.
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.
“Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver’s hat and settled into the back row.
The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech.
Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor.
Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The driver was p***c-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
“That’s an easy one,” he replied.
“In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
Once there were three men
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.
“Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver’s hat and settled into the back row.
The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech.
Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor.
Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The driver was p***c-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
“That’s an easy one,” he replied.
“In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
Once there were three men
15.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
16.
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
17.
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
18.
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
19.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
20.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use, I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor I drew two circles like this then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy.
“And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.
“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your bastard before prison‘”
A elderly man Jimmy was walking down
Thomas is 32 years old
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use, I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor I drew two circles like this then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy.
“And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.
“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your bastard before prison‘”
A elderly man Jimmy was walking down
Thomas is 32 years old
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21.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
22.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping
23.
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies.
“He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies.
“I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
A girl came skipping home from school
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies.
“He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies.
“I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
A girl came skipping home from school
24.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she was a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
“Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say,
“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued,
“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
He gets into the taxi
A teacher was testing the children
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she was a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
“Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say,
“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued,
“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
He gets into the taxi
A teacher was testing the children
25.
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
26.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
27.
A doctor and an engineer were in love with the same woman!
One day the doctor gave the woman a rose!
She was happy and thought it was very romantic.
Over the next three days, the engineer went to her and gave her an apple.
On the third day the woman asked: “Why an apple?”
The engineer replied: “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away”
A new nurse at a hospital
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A doctor and an engineer were in love with the same woman!
One day the doctor gave the woman a rose!
She was happy and thought it was very romantic.
Over the next three days, the engineer went to her and gave her an apple.
On the third day the woman asked: “Why an apple?”
The engineer replied: “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away”
A new nurse at a hospital
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
28.
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench
29.
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
30.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
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eng jokes